I’ve been wondering a lot how I’d word this post. I’ve always treated this blog as a sort of therapy diary. It’s a blog where I don’t overthink about whose going to read it, whose going to judge me etc…so now I’m just going to take my own advice and write like no one is reading I guess 🤷🏻♀️
I know I’ve written in the past about how I’ve never felt fully understood in this world, even going right back to my childhood. I’ve always felt that there was something different about me. I’ve always been a procrastinator, in school I did ok. I never ever got straight A’s, I struggled with homework, I was always late for school, and I struggled big time to focus on things I didn’t understand, or grasp, or that I just wasn’t interested in. I lived in my head a LOT! Daydreaming was a major issue for me in highschool. I used to come home feeling so stupid, because while all my class mates seemed to be ‘getting everything, I just WASN’T. I would come home from school everyday and pickup a book and read. It was the only way I knew to escape from my world. My room was in a constant state of chaos, not because I liked it that way. It’s because there was always something to do. And then I’d pick things up, get distracted, start another task…the cycle was endless. I remember my parents getting so frustrated with me because I’d constantly leave big school projects to the last minute, then be in a frantic STATE and up til 3am trying to get it done. I couldn’t start my homework until my room was clean though. Because I just couldn’t, and still can’t focus when I am surrounded by mess and disorder. When my sisters where blaring their music and listening to all the latest music on the radio, I was listening to Enya, and classical music as it was soothing and calming to me. Any loud noises, and it got me angry and frustrated and I couldn’t concentrate. I’m still like that. When I’m cleaning house, creating cakes, crafting…I either need soft soothing music, or no music at all.
When my best friend wanted to go clubbing….I wanted to do anything but. I didn’t like the noise, and the chaos it brought to my already overthinking brain. I was always incredibly sensitive. And still am. I can be watching a movie I’ve seen 100 times and still audibly gasp when something happens even though I’m expecting it, and know full what’s about to happen. I get so involved in the plot, in the characters. It’s just another symptom of ADHD. When I fall in love. I fall in love hard. And I remember every word that is said, every moment, and I replay them in my head. And it takes me FOREVER to get over it. Sometimes, I just never do. And it makes me feel like the biggest fool in the world…and then I overthink that too.
I am constantly multitasking, but in the worst possible sense. I’ll put the pan on to cook, then convince myself this is taking far too long, turn up the heat to the highest setting, go to get a spatula, get distracted on the way across the kitchen by some dirty laundry, put that in the machine, run upstairs to get some other dirty laundry, while I’m up there I’ll see the hoover and start vacuuming, and then see a book and sit down to read…now all of a sudden I’m smelling something burning and can’t for the life of me remember what the hell I was doing.
When I’m getting ready to go out I’ll take a look at the time and know that I need to leave in 20 minutes. I start getting organised, and then 25 minutes later I’m still not ready, because in my head…only 2 minutes have passed surely?! My concept of time is ridiculous! I always think things will take much less time than they actually do. It drives my husband crazy…
My life is in this never ending loop of thoughts. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the things that I need to do…. that I go out for a coffee instead because I just can’t cope with all the things that I need to be focusing on. I never ever understood what was wrong with me. I’d always just figured I was more stupid than most. That I was lazy, crazy, and just inept. My ex husband used to say to tell me all the time ‘it’s because you just don’t think, do you?!’ Well actually ya dick! It’s because I’m constantly thinking 🤣🤣 And that unfortunately has always stuck with me (it was an incredibly toxic marriage, obviously and thankfully didn’t last long) but all these things I heard and thought about myself…I never understood that what I have is Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. I just assumed there was something off about me. And because I’m a 1980’s baby…these things just weren’t diagnosed. Because I came across as a capable, happy child…it was never addressed. It’s been years of soul searching, and misdiagnosis that just had me believing that it was just a chemical imbalance in my brain. The anxiety and depression was a symptom of me searching and questioning my whole existence. It was only recently that I was watching videos of a woman on Instagram acting out how she is on a daily basis and Kyle and I were laughing and him saying ‘holy shit! That’s you!’ And me agreeing wholeheartedly. And then the penny dropped. She was basically touching base on her life with ADHD. A cousin of mine was recently diagnosed with it in her forties and I started chatting to her about it and I was gobsmacked about how similar we are. So I started reading everything I could get my hands on and it was like for once in my life, I could understand exactly why I am the way I am. And just knowing that made me stop and give myself a little bit more love and kindness. That there are things that I can do, medication that can treat this, and I can hold myself accountable, but also be more understanding and accepting of myself. And that in itself was a huge relief and weight off my shoulders.
I’m currently on a waiting list to be assessed properly. But in the meantime, I’m taking each day as it comes, trying everything to quieten the busy, non stop noise in my head, and I’m using this ADHD in my favour. I’m taking courses on getting my business off the ground. I’m being kind to myself when it takes me a wee bit longer than it should. And I’m ok with that. Because I’m a hard worker. I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid, and I’m not actually crazy. (Well not any more crazy than the next woman 🤪)
Tomorrow my candles are being sold in a local gift shop which I’m super thrilled about! I’m working on some new charms and jewellery items, and I’m trying to be as positive as I can. The last 6 months have been hard. But also really good too. I’ve been much more focused on myself and my family and trying to stay grounded. For them and for me.
So I’ll share with you one of my latest and fast becoming a customer favourite. Froot Loops Candle. It smells just like the cereal, the cupcake candle itself comes sprinkled with some resin froot loops, and it’s 100 percent soy wax for a lovely clean burn and a gorgeous scent throw! You can either purchase it here or on my Etsy here x
Thanks for reading my loves. And if anyone is struggling with this too. You really are not alone…and in a lot of ways…adult ADHD is like a superpower in itself 🤷🏻♀️🥰❤️
Ha! While finishing this post up I got a message from my friend Kerry and she’d sent me a video of a girl with ADHD re enacting a simple or what should be a simple task of brushing her teeth and was like ‘Carrie! It’s you!! 🤣’ Kerry also is a huge help in actually keeping me focused. Just the other day we did a click and collect at Tesco and when my groceries came out, I needed to pack them in my bags…Kerry was watching the wheels in my brain turning and I was so conflicted as to where I was going to start that she just started throwing the groceries in the bags and was like ‘just chuck em in! You can sort later’ so it definitely helps that I have people in my life than can love and accept me for the hot mess that I am 🥰