Feeling Lost and Alone, but always hopeful with Coffee

Hey my guys. How’s your mental health lately? I can’t be the only one going through this crazy slump of wallowing, self pity, and just straight up anxiety. Right?! And because Donut Eat Bakery was created to focus on my healing and mental health, I thought this would be the best place to off load my heart.

The past few weeks my dreams have been crazy vivid. This only happens when I’m going through either a spiritual downer, or a breakthrough. When I’m dreaming of embracing whales, or being near dolphins and water, then I know I need to listen to my soul and higher self. I’ve always known this. So when these dreams become quite frequent, I know I have to stop and assess my life.

The past few weeks I’ve been feeling more suicidal lately. Im not even sure that’s the word I want to use though. I’ve not felt like I’m going to actually go through with anything, but I have been feeling that I’m so damn over all these incessant thoughts and feelings. I have a constant headache from the tension I’m holding in the back of my neck, I’ve been questioning and analysing and over analysing every thought, word spoken, relationship I’ve had. Everything. These are the constant thoughts that fill my head…and you guys….it’s ALL THE TIME….examples of a full minute in my brain…

Why am I the way I am, what am I meant to be learning from this, if I stand my ground how is that being kind, but I need to be strong or I get walked all over, does he still love me, was I the only one, why did he lie about ‘insert potential lie here’ and why do I care? Is this even relevant, he doesn’t want to be in my life, does my dog need more snacks, omg she threw up, does she have cancer, it’s prevalent in boxers, fuck, my kids have not eaten enough today, but they’re fine, they’d tell me if they were hungry. God they need to eat more fruit and veg. I’m a terrible mother. Why does Kyle even want to be with me. He’s such a good man, I’m too fat for him. Ugh what will I do for dinner tomorrow. Do I even want to be a baker anymore? I’m over it. It’s so hard. Fuck I love my husband, I don’t deserve him. Yes I do! I’m worth it. He’s lucky to have me. I have so much to do tomorrow but I need to clean the house first. I need to pick up the Tesco shop. Shit did I order enough flour? I’m sure I did. I need to read more. I can’t read until my space is completely clean though. I’m going to do that before I start anything. I’m going to live with this guilt forever, I wish I could be just diagnosed with this ADHD, maybe then I can relax. I really want to change my bedding tonight, but I haven’t shaved my legs. And I like it to coincide…but I’ll do it tomorrow. But I need to shower now, and my legs are WILD. Who cares though, no one will see it. Kyle doesn’t care. Does he? Am I sexier without leg hair. Fuck. The dog just farted, I think she’s sick, this isn’t right. I should’ve weeded the garden today. I have a cake being picked up tomorrow though…will I get up at 530…yes. I’ll set my alarm. I really should’ve done my workout but surely 2 shifts makes up for a couple of workouts. This neighbourhood is getting worse. Are my kids safe. Am I spoiling my kids? I really shouldn’t let Hayden swear, but she’s a good girl. She’s not hurting anyone. IS she actually autistic i think she is, is she going to be ok? …If I just shut everyone out will the noise in my head stop too. I would love to delete all my accounts. Maybe I just need a good cry. But I did that yesterday and it did nothing. Why can’t I be normal! If I didn’t exist, this wouldn’t even be an issue. My kids would never forgive me. Fuck this shit. Nothing will make this work. I haven’t sent money in a while…I’m sorry. They don’t even care, ugh but I do…Dammit! I will send more. I need to get my candles out to the gift shop…tomorrow. Etc etc etc

And so on, and so forth. In my head. All THE TIME. Random, infuriating, shit. Coming in from all over the place. Chaos. Fleeting, exhausting, and unavoidable. I just want it to go away.

But it doesn’t. Ever.

So what am I actually meant to do?

The Dr. I saw who was asking me questions to determine wether or not I had ADHD, manic depression, or bipolar asked if I heard voices…yeah all the time, but just my own. Countless times in a minute I hear my own voice in my head. And we laughed about it, because what else do you do. It’s there. It’s always been there…and luckily, throughout it all. I have a very good sense of humour. And I think that’s a blessing, otherwise I dread to think where I would be if I couldn’t also laugh at myself.

Cafe au Lait fragranced Cupcake Candle

Annnd saying all this, I am definitely moving forward with my candles too. I’m doing all my photography shoots for each fragrance and having some fun with them too. My friend convinced me to work with him at the Drive Thu Starbucks in Inverness, and I agreed to just one shift a week. It’s busy, it’s fun, and my co workers are fab. It’s just a barista position so I have no responsibilities (I really don’t need any more) and I’m having fun. Because that’s what it HAS to be about. My co worker makes some beautiful latte art and made this gorgeous flat white to bring out the best of my latest candle, ‘Cafe au Lait’ in my Cupcake Candle, New Orleans Range. You can purchase it here, or on my Etsy page! Thanks for reading my loves, until next time. Sending you all the love and light I can muster

C xx

Adult ADHD, Diagnoses and Froot Loop Candles

I’ve been wondering a lot how I’d word this post. I’ve always treated this blog as a sort of therapy diary. It’s a blog where I don’t overthink about whose going to read it, whose going to judge me etc…so now I’m just going to take my own advice and write like no one is reading I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know I’ve written in the past about how I’ve never felt fully understood in this world, even going right back to my childhood. I’ve always felt that there was something different about me. I’ve always been a procrastinator, in school I did ok. I never ever got straight A’s, I struggled with homework, I was always late for school, and I struggled big time to focus on things I didn’t understand, or grasp, or that I just wasn’t interested in. I lived in my head a LOT! Daydreaming was a major issue for me in highschool. I used to come home feeling so stupid, because while all my class mates seemed to be ‘getting everything, I just WASN’T. I would come home from school everyday and pickup a book and read. It was the only way I knew to escape from my world. My room was in a constant state of chaos, not because I liked it that way. It’s because there was always something to do. And then I’d pick things up, get distracted, start another task…the cycle was endless. I remember my parents getting so frustrated with me because I’d constantly leave big school projects to the last minute, then be in a frantic STATE and up til 3am trying to get it done. I couldn’t start my homework until my room was clean though. Because I just couldn’t, and still can’t focus when I am surrounded by mess and disorder. When my sisters where blaring their music and listening to all the latest music on the radio, I was listening to Enya, and classical music as it was soothing and calming to me. Any loud noises, and it got me angry and frustrated and I couldn’t concentrate. I’m still like that. When I’m cleaning house, creating cakes, crafting…I either need soft soothing music, or no music at all.

When my best friend wanted to go clubbing….I wanted to do anything but. I didn’t like the noise, and the chaos it brought to my already overthinking brain. I was always incredibly sensitive. And still am. I can be watching a movie I’ve seen 100 times and still audibly gasp when something happens even though I’m expecting it, and know full what’s about to happen. I get so involved in the plot, in the characters. It’s just another symptom of ADHD. When I fall in love. I fall in love hard. And I remember every word that is said, every moment, and I replay them in my head. And it takes me FOREVER to get over it. Sometimes, I just never do. And it makes me feel like the biggest fool in the world…and then I overthink that too.

I am constantly multitasking, but in the worst possible sense. I’ll put the pan on to cook, then convince myself this is taking far too long, turn up the heat to the highest setting, go to get a spatula, get distracted on the way across the kitchen by some dirty laundry, put that in the machine, run upstairs to get some other dirty laundry, while I’m up there I’ll see the hoover and start vacuuming, and then see a book and sit down to read…now all of a sudden I’m smelling something burning and can’t for the life of me remember what the hell I was doing.

When I’m getting ready to go out I’ll take a look at the time and know that I need to leave in 20 minutes. I start getting organised, and then 25 minutes later I’m still not ready, because in my head…only 2 minutes have passed surely?! My concept of time is ridiculous! I always think things will take much less time than they actually do. It drives my husband crazy…

My life is in this never ending loop of thoughts. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the things that I need to do…. that I go out for a coffee instead because I just can’t cope with all the things that I need to be focusing on. I never ever understood what was wrong with me. I’d always just figured I was more stupid than most. That I was lazy, crazy, and just inept. My ex husband used to say to tell me all the time ‘it’s because you just don’t think, do you?!’ Well actually ya dick! It’s because I’m constantly thinking 🤣🤣 And that unfortunately has always stuck with me (it was an incredibly toxic marriage, obviously and thankfully didn’t last long) but all these things I heard and thought about myself…I never understood that what I have is Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. I just assumed there was something off about me. And because I’m a 1980’s baby…these things just weren’t diagnosed. Because I came across as a capable, happy child…it was never addressed. It’s been years of soul searching, and misdiagnosis that just had me believing that it was just a chemical imbalance in my brain. The anxiety and depression was a symptom of me searching and questioning my whole existence. It was only recently that I was watching videos of a woman on Instagram acting out how she is on a daily basis and Kyle and I were laughing and him saying ‘holy shit! That’s you!’ And me agreeing wholeheartedly. And then the penny dropped. She was basically touching base on her life with ADHD. A cousin of mine was recently diagnosed with it in her forties and I started chatting to her about it and I was gobsmacked about how similar we are. So I started reading everything I could get my hands on and it was like for once in my life, I could understand exactly why I am the way I am. And just knowing that made me stop and give myself a little bit more love and kindness. That there are things that I can do, medication that can treat this, and I can hold myself accountable, but also be more understanding and accepting of myself. And that in itself was a huge relief and weight off my shoulders.

I’m currently on a waiting list to be assessed properly. But in the meantime, I’m taking each day as it comes, trying everything to quieten the busy, non stop noise in my head, and I’m using this ADHD in my favour. I’m taking courses on getting my business off the ground. I’m being kind to myself when it takes me a wee bit longer than it should. And I’m ok with that. Because I’m a hard worker. I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid, and I’m not actually crazy. (Well not any more crazy than the next woman 🤪)

Froot Loops Scented soy wax candle

Tomorrow my candles are being sold in a local gift shop which I’m super thrilled about! I’m working on some new charms and jewellery items, and I’m trying to be as positive as I can. The last 6 months have been hard. But also really good too. I’ve been much more focused on myself and my family and trying to stay grounded. For them and for me.

So I’ll share with you one of my latest and fast becoming a customer favourite. Froot Loops Candle. It smells just like the cereal, the cupcake candle itself comes sprinkled with some resin froot loops, and it’s 100 percent soy wax for a lovely clean burn and a gorgeous scent throw! You can either purchase it here or on my Etsy here x

Thanks for reading my loves. And if anyone is struggling with this too. You really are not alone…and in a lot of ways…adult ADHD is like a superpower in itself 🤷🏻‍♀️🥰❤️

Ha! While finishing this post up I got a message from my friend Kerry and she’d sent me a video of a girl with ADHD re enacting a simple or what should be a simple task of brushing her teeth and was like ‘Carrie! It’s you!! 🤣’ Kerry also is a huge help in actually keeping me focused. Just the other day we did a click and collect at Tesco and when my groceries came out, I needed to pack them in my bags…Kerry was watching the wheels in my brain turning and I was so conflicted as to where I was going to start that she just started throwing the groceries in the bags and was like ‘just chuck em in! You can sort later’ so it definitely helps that I have people in my life than can love and accept me for the hot mess that I am 🥰