Forgiveness and Soul Lessons…and a relaxing candle or 2 😏

I am really enjoying the longer days lately. I’ve been going to bed early and getting up early, because I find I’m my most productive then. I get my cakes baked, house tidied, and other chores done before the kids are even up for the day. And I get to enjoy a hot cup of coffee in peace. That means at 9pm I’m showered, teeth brushed, tucked up in my bed meditating, and actually relaxing. I’m trying to find the best cognitive therapies that I can (Because I don’t want to be on anti depressants forever) Mostly that involves asking myself why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. And then really understanding how and if it’s even important and helpful at the present time. I like to ask myself ‘Will this matter in 5 minutes…will this matter in 5 weeks, 5 months….and 5 years. Most of the time. It won’t. And my brain can understand that. So it’s easier to let go. A few nights ago though, my thoughts got the best of me. And Kyle came upstairs to an absolute mess. And he was so concerned, and I felt bad because I couldn’t in that state, make it known that I just needed a good cry. There wasn’t anything wrong per se. It was just an accumulation of trying to keep it all together most of the time. And I’m accepting that that’s ok. Sometimes I still get totally hung up with how I’m perceived by the outside world and even people who ironically don’t want to be in my life anymore. But more often than not, I don’t ACTUALLY care. Because I know who I am. And that’s all that really matters. And all that really SHOULD matter. I’m self aware. I know my flaws and I am trying to change the ones that I feel I have control over. I’m learning to really love me, and I think I’m pretty fun. Sometimes suuuuper annoying, but again. I have to embrace it πŸ˜‚ I have a beautiful family at home and at work who I really can be myself around and I really am just trying to be the best human being I can be. Sometimes I fail miserably. Sometimes people don’t understand, or they think I have an agenda. And I kinda do. My agenda is to love EVERYONE and to not pass judgment. And to go outside of social norms and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But I’m also not going to let people treat me badly either. If you want a place in my life, I’m here. Always. But to protect my mental health and my own heart, if you don’t want to make an effort for me or with me. That’s ok too. That’s your prerogative, that’s your journey. I’m also doing everything I can to right my wrongs. For too long I’ve felt the need to fix everyone. But that’s not my job. My job is to ‘fix’ me. I’m not ‘broken’. I know this now. I just need to tend to THIS soul. How can I save another person from drowning if I can’t even keep myself afloat? I know who I don’t want to be…so that helps me become the best version of me I can. So to anyone and everyone on a similar journey….it’s so so important to be self aware but to also remember that you’re going to mess up. Because how else can you grow? So don’t beat yourself up. Just lift yourself up, surround yourself with positivity. Turn off the news. Turn on the salt lamps, light the candles and just BE. Trust me. It does wonders for the soul and you really just live in the NOW. Where NOTHING matters.

So I’m doing that. I’m letting people go, I’m focusing on the tasks at hand. And I’m certainly not begging to be in anyone’s life anymore. It’s exhausting, hurtful, and pointless in so many aspects. If it’s not going to help you grow…you have to let it go.

I’ve also created this range of candles to soothe my soul. So If you’d like some all natural essential oil soy wax candles that have a charged crystal embedded in each one…order yours below!

I have 2 fragrances available and a 3rd on the way!

Nirvana (Amethyst)

and

11:11 (Rose Quartz)

They’re so so beautiful and I think because I’ve made them specially for my own therapy, I’m even more excited about them ☺️ They truly are so therapeutic and the wood-wick just gives me all the feels 😍

Sending so much love and light and just good vibes πŸ₯°πŸ’—

CANDLE SALE!

Hello my loves! Happy Happy New Year! I am so incredibly grateful for all of your support in the last year. My candles have been very popular and I’ve been very busy with cakes as well so I feel like I need to give back! The universe has been so kind to me. It seems the least I can do.

I still have an abundance of candles (although fragrances are limited) so I’ll be having a sale on these specific fragrances. They will be on sale while supplies last as I also need to make some room so I can bring you some new fragrances…and so I can get some room to store my massive boxes Soy Wax. Small house my guys…the struggle is real when you’re a crafter πŸ™ˆ

So take your pick of these gorgeous fragrances and watch for my latest candles! Right now all fragrances listed are available in the 20cl jars and are BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!

Exciting stuff!! I highly recommend the Blueberry Cheesecake, and the Banana Nut Muffin…oh but then again the Strawberry Wine is beautiful too. Far too many to choose from, but at this deal, you can get a few. Am I right?! Oooh Chocolate Orange, and Gingerbread are lush too 😏 Have fun choosing and I can’t wait to bring you my new range. Don’t forget to subscribe! X

Sale ends January 31st or until stock runs out.

I have an exciting new fragrance available for Easter (I know….it’s only January, but I’m just trying to keep up with the rest of the world 🀣) as well so keep an eye out! 😘

Birthday Cake and Irn Bru Soap πŸŽ‚ 🍰

Hey my loves. I’m back from Vancouver and I’m struggling. Kinda. Sorta. Struggling in the sense that my dreams and ambitions are right in the forefront of my mind and it’s going to take awhile to fruition…and that’s totally ok but this gal is IMPATIENT! I’m missing my Reema like mad (thank goodness for FaceTime) and we’re kinda doing this dreaming thing together. We’ve got a 5 year plan, and we are going to make magic happen…just you watch 😍

So after being ‘home’ in Scotland for 3 days, I got my butt in to gear, got ALL the ingredients together that I’ve had sitting around for ages, and I got making some soap.

The base contains Olive oil, palm oil (organic and certified sustainable thank you very much) coconut oil, castor oil and hazelnut oil. Gorgeously rich and it produces a beautiful lather. And it smells the exact same as my Birthday Cake Candle that you can order here!

These will be available to pre order here and I’ll send them out in a month. I know, I know….but these are artisan soaps, they contain lye, and for the saponification to happen and to get rid of the lye, it needs to cure for a month. But the wait will be worth it. These soaps will be available in ALL my candle ‘flavours’ as well, and I’ll be selling them individually, with a hand knitted facecloth, and also as part of a gift set which will also be available for pre order. You know….for Christmas and all πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

I’m also making some very unique candles for The Depressed Cake Shop and I’ll have them for sale in September. I’m providing miniature scented candles to McGreevey Cakes for her Cakeheads masquerade ball in October as well so things are all go here! Not to mention wedding fairs and macarons…(I’ll keep you posted, subscribe so you don’t miss out!) All in all, things are looking up. I feel my soul has been evolving pretty rapidly these last few weeks as well and I’m finally getting rid of my too nice attitude, not letting people treat me like a stepping stone or a convenience and that in itself is letting me get on with my purpose and passion in life. I was put here for a damn good reason. And I may not realise what that reason is just yet, but I’m putting it all to the universe and trusting that everything is here to help me…

Side note:

So, unbeknownst to me…my Birthday Cake fragrance oil contains vanillin, which makes sense considering it’s got a lovely sweet smell to it….but it didn’t state that on the bottle!!! Which meant I did NOT add a vanillin stabiliser…which in turn meant that there was a lye chemical reaction which has now discoloured the soap. And that’s fine too…as it still kept it’s beautiful scent…it’s just looking a little more over baked than I’d have liked. Ah well, live and learn I guess? 😍

Friendships through depression,

Lately I’ve realised just exactly why depression is such a taboo subject. When you wear your heart on your sleeve, people actually don’t want to hear about it. As much as they say they do…I’m really not sure how much of that is true. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what to say or do. Maybe they think we’re being too dramatic. But the feeling of despair that runs so deep, FEELS ridiculously dramatic. People get angry, because we have our children to think about so how dare we have suicidal thoughts…but sometimes even that doesn’t feel like it’s enough. That out babies would be truly better off without such a sad mom. I wake up EVERY SINGLE MORNING with anxiety. A feeling that my whole world is crashing down around me…and I feel like throwing up, then I feel like closing my eyes again and just sleeping forever. And every morning I find the strength to take on the day. Most times this feeling dissipates within a couple of hours. Sometimes within minutes. Sometimes, on the bad days, the feeling lasts ALL day. Those are the days that nothing gets done. That I only leave the house when I absolutely have to. I do the absolute minimum to just survive. And lately I have been a bit more quiet than usual. Because keeping quiet and putting on a smile and a brave face, means everyone just gets on with it and isn’t worrying about me. Sometimes ‘I’m fine’ is easier. I prefer it that way. Some days…all it takes is my best friend. My rock. My first friend in Canada. Reema is my other half. She’s a sister, a confidante, and she knows every cringeworthy, embarrassing, and soulful secret about me. This woman knows my deepest, darkest secrets that I’ve never told ANYONE! And I’m pretty sure the only way you would ever find she’d talk is to threaten and torture her. And even then I think you’d struggle. She’s loyal like that.

(Reems 3rd from the left and me at the end circa 2001) ?! That date on the photo is very wrong!

Reema came into my life, or rather I was thrown into hers in February of 1994. I was just 9 years old and very new to Richmond (a suburb of Vancouver). I started at Westwind Elementary in Grade 3 in Mrs Lum’s class. Reema hated my big writing, and the fact that I used funny words like ‘rubber’ instead of ‘eraser’. I’m not sure how we found ourselves in each others pocket’s but we did and very soon after that we were inseparable.

We spent all of our time together, and what’s more we were complete opposites. Reema loved her rap music, I was a pop/country girl. While she tried getting me to listen to Tupac, I was trying to get her to appreciate Celine Dione….and I actually succeeded! Β πŸ’ͺπŸ™ŒπŸ» She LOVED shopping and would drag me to the mall, I HATED it (especially after she’d buy something and return it the next day…something I’ve learned she STILL does!) Reema loved going out and clubbing. I’d rather stay in with a good book. But we enjoyed each others company and we laughed together. A LOT! Reema is pretty much the only person that could get me to pee myself from laughing too much….and I’ve discovered just in her last visit here that she’s still got that skill. I find myself bursting out laughing when I’m by myself when I see a meme that reminds me of her or if I have random memory that includes her.

I’m writing this while totally jet lagged. I’ve been up for over an hour, I’ve tried meditating because my heart is breaking today. I tend to write more when I’m feeling really low, but sometimes it’s because I’m so excited. Today unfortunately is not one of those days. Today my anxiety is through the roof. I can feel a ball of fire in the pit of my belly, and it starts to rise up to my chest and then to my oesophagus, where I actually wonder if this is perhaps what a dragon might feel like to breathe fire. Except for a dragon it’s normal….but then again. Anxiety is somewhat normal for me too. Although breathing fire would make for so much more fun 😏(I’m thinking S’mores! πŸ™ŒπŸ») Today I know where my anxiety stems from. That helps. It helps because I can come to terms with it better, I can confront the person or scenario head on. And to be honest, I don’t do confrontation. I’d rather another person see me as weak and stupid and a fool than bring them down too. Despite my depression, I still have so much love in this heart of mine. Sometimes I wish I could harden it. So I don’t feel so deeply. It’s just one of my many flaws. Which I don’t apologise for anymore. This is me.

I’m actually in Vancouver now. I’m staying with my best friend. And to be honest, I’m so grateful for that. Because this anxiety could’ve turned ugly if it weren’t for her.

Lately, when I’ve been feeling so desolate and alone, and the depression hits a real low. I go to Reems. Because in a matter of 5 minutes she reminds me exactly why I’m here. She has me laughing through the tears and doubt, and just like that, I’m fixed….until the next time. I know she doesn’t understand where I’m coming from completely. I get it. I never understood depression until I got a taste of it myself. And I can NEVER judge anyone again. I always used to assume that people who took their own lives were cowards or selfish. I couldn’t have been more wrong, because now that I’ve experienced the pain that comes with it first hand, you’d do anything to make it go away. You’d do anything to save hurting anyone. The drugs work for some time. They numb you to the point that you don’t feel anything. And sometimes not feeling is much worse than feeling too much. So to anyone suffering with depression, I want you to know that you’re not broken. You will find your place, eventually. No one will ever FULLY understand what you’re going through. Unless they’ve been through it themselves. And even then…everyone’s journey is so very unique.

Most days I find myself diving head first in to my work. Creating gives me a sense of purpose. I get excited and I look forward to the future. Most days I feel optimistic. Insanely optimistic. I’ve got a beautiful life. A husband that (even though we’re going through a very ‘rough’ patch in our marriage…it’s never been a question about not having enough love) is a constant support, two beautiful children, a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies. And every morning when I wake up feeling lost. I remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life, and how grateful I am for everything. How LUCKY I am. So

I’m here. I want to listen, and I want to help. And to my Reems. Thank you for bringing that sunshine in to my life. When it all get so tough, I know I can count on you when it feels like everyone else has given up on me. (I know they haven’t….it just feels that way). I love you so much. I’m so glad we found our way back in to each others lives!

On a side note guys! My candles have been doing so well! I have them for sale at Eye Candy in Thurso, and on my online shop. At the end of the month I will take 10% of the sales and donate it to Mind.co.uk to help others going through depression. Please keep a lookout for my gift baskets that I will be selling. Each basket will include a Large scented Cupcake Candle, a small Scented Cupcake Candle, a mini wax melt burner, and a pack of wax melts all displayed in a lovely wooden box. These will be shipped ANYWHERE in the UK…and for the right price…anywhere in the world πŸ˜‰ Keep an eye out and subscribe to my blog!

Thanks my loves. I know this article was a bit heavy. But unfortunately things aren’t always Cupcakes and sprinkles (no pun intended) 😣 but I’m working on it! EVERYDAY!