I can totally feel Autumn in the air. I know it’s still summer for another month, I get it…but it’s cooooold!! I had the heating on twice today…shhh, don’t tell my husband. He will argue that I need to just put a sweater on…he’s wrong. I can’t help it. I’m always cold! But Autumn is hands down my favourite season. It’s the season that gives me all the feels. It brings out my inner witch where I take solace in lighting candles when the nights start creeping in so early, pulling cards from my tarot and oracle decks, meditating and manifesting and just feeling more connected to my soul. Autumn means comfort meals, vegetable soups with fragrant garlic and just the right amount of barley. Homemade ravioli stuffed with pumpkin and eaten with a sauce of butter (vegan of course!) and freshly picked sage from my garden. It’s the cool evenings cuddled on the sofa with a hot cup of tea and reading recipe books. The even cooler mornings wrapped in my biggest and cosiest jumper, drinking hot coffee and eating fresh pumpkin scones. And everything else pumpkin spice…
Ah guys! Pumpkin Spice. I am that ‘basic bitch’. I am that girl who gets excited for Pumpkin Spice season. Pumpkin Spice Latte’s at Starbucks, homemade Pumpkin Scones, Pumpkin bread, Pumpkin Pie, Pumpkin Spice lip balm, Pumpkin Spice Gum (it’s a thing) and everything in between…so of course I was going to bring a candle in to the mix. Because Pumpkin Spice Candles definitely belong in this house. The aroma of sweet creamed pumpkin, complimented with nuances of nutmeg, cinnamon, clove and ginger, rounded out with buttery vanilla notes is perfect to bring in the new season and all the perfection that is Pumpkin Spice.
So if you’re feeling all the autumn feels, You’ve got to get yourself this wee beauty. With the decorative keepsake lid, you’ll have a bit of pumpkin spice in your life all year round..but let’s be honest..keeping it for Autumn really makes it’s that much more special doesn’t it…. and because it’s almost here…what are you waiting for? Get your fix now and order here!
Hey my guys. How’s your mental health lately? I can’t be the only one going through this crazy slump of wallowing, self pity, and just straight up anxiety. Right?! And because Donut Eat Bakery was created to focus on my healing and mental health, I thought this would be the best place to off load my heart.
The past few weeks my dreams have been crazy vivid. This only happens when I’m going through either a spiritual downer, or a breakthrough. When I’m dreaming of embracing whales, or being near dolphins and water, then I know I need to listen to my soul and higher self. I’ve always known this. So when these dreams become quite frequent, I know I have to stop and assess my life.
The past few weeks I’ve been feeling more suicidal lately. Im not even sure that’s the word I want to use though. I’ve not felt like I’m going to actually go through with anything, but I have been feeling that I’m so damn over all these incessant thoughts and feelings. I have a constant headache from the tension I’m holding in the back of my neck, I’ve been questioning and analysing and over analysing every thought, word spoken, relationship I’ve had. Everything. These are the constant thoughts that fill my head…and you guys….it’s ALL THE TIME….examples of a full minute in my brain…
Why am I the way I am, what am I meant to be learning from this, if I stand my ground how is that being kind, but I need to be strong or I get walked all over, does he still love me, was I the only one, why did he lie about ‘insert potential lie here’ and why do I care? Is this even relevant, he doesn’t want to be in my life, does my dog need more snacks, omg she threw up, does she have cancer, it’s prevalent in boxers, fuck, my kids have not eaten enough today, but they’re fine, they’d tell me if they were hungry. God they need to eat more fruit and veg. I’m a terrible mother. Why does Kyle even want to be with me. He’s such a good man, I’m too fat for him. Ugh what will I do for dinner tomorrow. Do I even want to be a baker anymore? I’m over it. It’s so hard. Fuck I love my husband, I don’t deserve him. Yes I do! I’m worth it. He’s lucky to have me. I have so much to do tomorrow but I need to clean the house first. I need to pick up the Tesco shop. Shit did I order enough flour? I’m sure I did. I need to read more. I can’t read until my space is completely clean though. I’m going to do that before I start anything. I’m going to live with this guilt forever, I wish I could be just diagnosed with this ADHD, maybe then I can relax. I really want to change my bedding tonight, but I haven’t shaved my legs. And I like it to coincide…but I’ll do it tomorrow. But I need to shower now, and my legs are WILD. Who cares though, no one will see it. Kyle doesn’t care. Does he? Am I sexier without leg hair. Fuck. The dog just farted, I think she’s sick, this isn’t right. I should’ve weeded the garden today. I have a cake being picked up tomorrow though…will I get up at 530…yes. I’ll set my alarm. I really should’ve done my workout but surely 2 shifts makes up for a couple of workouts. This neighbourhood is getting worse. Are my kids safe. Am I spoiling my kids? I really shouldn’t let Hayden swear, but she’s a good girl. She’s not hurting anyone. IS she actually autistic i think she is, is she going to be ok? …If I just shut everyone out will the noise in my head stop too. I would love to delete all my accounts. Maybe I just need a good cry. But I did that yesterday and it did nothing. Why can’t I be normal! If I didn’t exist, this wouldn’t even be an issue. My kids would never forgive me. Fuck this shit. Nothing will make this work. I haven’t sent money in a while…I’m sorry. They don’t even care, ugh but I do…Dammit! I will send more. I need to get my candles out to the gift shop…tomorrow. Etc etc etc
And so on, and so forth. In my head. All THE TIME. Random, infuriating, shit. Coming in from all over the place. Chaos. Fleeting, exhausting, and unavoidable. I just want it to go away.
But it doesn’t. Ever.
So what am I actually meant to do?
The Dr. I saw who was asking me questions to determine wether or not I had ADHD, manic depression, or bipolar asked if I heard voices…yeah all the time, but just my own. Countless times in a minute I hear my own voice in my head. And we laughed about it, because what else do you do. It’s there. It’s always been there…and luckily, throughout it all. I have a very good sense of humour. And I think that’s a blessing, otherwise I dread to think where I would be if I couldn’t also laugh at myself.
Annnd saying all this, I am definitely moving forward with my candles too. I’m doing all my photography shoots for each fragrance and having some fun with them too. My friend convinced me to work with him at the Drive Thu Starbucks in Inverness, and I agreed to just one shift a week. It’s busy, it’s fun, and my co workers are fab. It’s just a barista position so I have no responsibilities (I really don’t need any more) and I’m having fun. Because that’s what it HAS to be about. My co worker makes some beautiful latte art and made this gorgeous flat white to bring out the best of my latest candle, ‘Cafe au Lait’ in my Cupcake Candle, New Orleans Range. You can purchase it here, or on my Etsy page! Thanks for reading my loves, until next time. Sending you all the love and light I can muster
I’ve been wondering a lot how I’d word this post. I’ve always treated this blog as a sort of therapy diary. It’s a blog where I don’t overthink about whose going to read it, whose going to judge me etc…so now I’m just going to take my own advice and write like no one is reading I guess 🤷🏻♀️
I know I’ve written in the past about how I’ve never felt fully understood in this world, even going right back to my childhood. I’ve always felt that there was something different about me. I’ve always been a procrastinator, in school I did ok. I never ever got straight A’s, I struggled with homework, I was always late for school, and I struggled big time to focus on things I didn’t understand, or grasp, or that I just wasn’t interested in. I lived in my head a LOT! Daydreaming was a major issue for me in highschool. I used to come home feeling so stupid, because while all my class mates seemed to be ‘getting everything, I just WASN’T. I would come home from school everyday and pickup a book and read. It was the only way I knew to escape from my world. My room was in a constant state of chaos, not because I liked it that way. It’s because there was always something to do. And then I’d pick things up, get distracted, start another task…the cycle was endless. I remember my parents getting so frustrated with me because I’d constantly leave big school projects to the last minute, then be in a frantic STATE and up til 3am trying to get it done. I couldn’t start my homework until my room was clean though. Because I just couldn’t, and still can’t focus when I am surrounded by mess and disorder. When my sisters where blaring their music and listening to all the latest music on the radio, I was listening to Enya, and classical music as it was soothing and calming to me. Any loud noises, and it got me angry and frustrated and I couldn’t concentrate. I’m still like that. When I’m cleaning house, creating cakes, crafting…I either need soft soothing music, or no music at all.
When my best friend wanted to go clubbing….I wanted to do anything but. I didn’t like the noise, and the chaos it brought to my already overthinking brain. I was always incredibly sensitive. And still am. I can be watching a movie I’ve seen 100 times and still audibly gasp when something happens even though I’m expecting it, and know full what’s about to happen. I get so involved in the plot, in the characters. It’s just another symptom of ADHD. When I fall in love. I fall in love hard. And I remember every word that is said, every moment, and I replay them in my head. And it takes me FOREVER to get over it. Sometimes, I just never do. And it makes me feel like the biggest fool in the world…and then I overthink that too.
I am constantly multitasking, but in the worst possible sense. I’ll put the pan on to cook, then convince myself this is taking far too long, turn up the heat to the highest setting, go to get a spatula, get distracted on the way across the kitchen by some dirty laundry, put that in the machine, run upstairs to get some other dirty laundry, while I’m up there I’ll see the hoover and start vacuuming, and then see a book and sit down to read…now all of a sudden I’m smelling something burning and can’t for the life of me remember what the hell I was doing.
When I’m getting ready to go out I’ll take a look at the time and know that I need to leave in 20 minutes. I start getting organised, and then 25 minutes later I’m still not ready, because in my head…only 2 minutes have passed surely?! My concept of time is ridiculous! I always think things will take much less time than they actually do. It drives my husband crazy…
My life is in this never ending loop of thoughts. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the things that I need to do…. that I go out for a coffee instead because I just can’t cope with all the things that I need to be focusing on. I never ever understood what was wrong with me. I’d always just figured I was more stupid than most. That I was lazy, crazy, and just inept. My ex husband used to say to tell me all the time ‘it’s because you just don’t think, do you?!’ Well actually ya dick! It’s because I’m constantly thinking 🤣🤣 And that unfortunately has always stuck with me (it was an incredibly toxic marriage, obviously and thankfully didn’t last long) but all these things I heard and thought about myself…I never understood that what I have is Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. I just assumed there was something off about me. And because I’m a 1980’s baby…these things just weren’t diagnosed. Because I came across as a capable, happy child…it was never addressed. It’s been years of soul searching, and misdiagnosis that just had me believing that it was just a chemical imbalance in my brain. The anxiety and depression was a symptom of me searching and questioning my whole existence. It was only recently that I was watching videos of a woman on Instagram acting out how she is on a daily basis and Kyle and I were laughing and him saying ‘holy shit! That’s you!’ And me agreeing wholeheartedly. And then the penny dropped. She was basically touching base on her life with ADHD. A cousin of mine was recently diagnosed with it in her forties and I started chatting to her about it and I was gobsmacked about how similar we are. So I started reading everything I could get my hands on and it was like for once in my life, I could understand exactly why I am the way I am. And just knowing that made me stop and give myself a little bit more love and kindness. That there are things that I can do, medication that can treat this, and I can hold myself accountable, but also be more understanding and accepting of myself. And that in itself was a huge relief and weight off my shoulders.
I’m currently on a waiting list to be assessed properly. But in the meantime, I’m taking each day as it comes, trying everything to quieten the busy, non stop noise in my head, and I’m using this ADHD in my favour. I’m taking courses on getting my business off the ground. I’m being kind to myself when it takes me a wee bit longer than it should. And I’m ok with that. Because I’m a hard worker. I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid, and I’m not actually crazy. (Well not any more crazy than the next woman 🤪)
Tomorrow my candles are being sold in a local gift shop which I’m super thrilled about! I’m working on some new charms and jewellery items, and I’m trying to be as positive as I can. The last 6 months have been hard. But also really good too. I’ve been much more focused on myself and my family and trying to stay grounded. For them and for me.
So I’ll share with you one of my latest and fast becoming a customer favourite. Froot Loops Candle. It smells just like the cereal, the cupcake candle itself comes sprinkled with some resin froot loops, and it’s 100 percent soy wax for a lovely clean burn and a gorgeous scent throw! You can either purchase it here or on my Etsy here x
Thanks for reading my loves. And if anyone is struggling with this too. You really are not alone…and in a lot of ways…adult ADHD is like a superpower in itself 🤷🏻♀️🥰❤️
Ha! While finishing this post up I got a message from my friend Kerry and she’d sent me a video of a girl with ADHD re enacting a simple or what should be a simple task of brushing her teeth and was like ‘Carrie! It’s you!! 🤣’ Kerry also is a huge help in actually keeping me focused. Just the other day we did a click and collect at Tesco and when my groceries came out, I needed to pack them in my bags…Kerry was watching the wheels in my brain turning and I was so conflicted as to where I was going to start that she just started throwing the groceries in the bags and was like ‘just chuck em in! You can sort later’ so it definitely helps that I have people in my life than can love and accept me for the hot mess that I am 🥰
Finally!! I tell you what, I’ve been meaning to make these for MONTHS now. Between my cake business and working at Starbucks, being a full time mom, wife, and business woman…my creativity and mental health was suffering in a BIG WAY. So something had to give. That something was unfortunately Starbucks. Unfortunately because that extra cash was great and I loved my wee Starbucks family. But after lockdown, I realised how much I loved working from home, being around for my kids whenever they needed me, and having a semi tidy house. Fortunately…in that after lockdown working wasn’t FUN anymore. People got mean and ugly, and I was so done with it. Since I quit last month I’ve been lazy. Not gonna lie. I’ve been enjoying my new found freedom, having longish lie ins until 8am…pottering about the house, working on MY schedule. My kitchen is finally finished after a few setbacks (that’s another story) and I’m starting to get a proper routine back. So today I got my cakes baked…and I got my candle supplies out. And I got busy. And I enjoyed EVERY moment of it, I mean THOUROUGHLY enjoyed it. And in between the melting and mixing, pouring and moulding, I got the hoover out, I cleaned the bathroom, and I washed dishes. And I felt productive, and content. It’s been some time that that’s gone hand in hand.
The last few days my husband has been on holidays. When he doesn’t do much…I tend to follow the same pattern. So we ended up binge watching ‘The Boys’ on Netflix. Oh my goodness, we LOVED it! It was funny, really funny, and it had its fair share of gore. I found myself gasping and turning away from the screen a LOT. But so so worth it. Anyway, I digress!! At one point we asked each other jokingly ‘what are we even doing with our lives?!’ My husband finally managed to get off his arse and take the car to the garage. I got up and decided to make candles. He text me at one point and asked ‘Have you done anything with your life yet?!’ I just laughed and thankfully was able to text back honestly that yes indeed I was! 🤣
Chocolate Chip was the first one that I managed to make. It was supposed to be Gingernuts but I had run out of my Gingerbread fragrance oil, so that was a no go. Tomorrow I’ll be working on Oreo Cookies and Milk, and Peanut Butter! So watch this space as I will let you know as soon as the new fragrances are here! These babies are 8oz of 100% soy wax and will give you a good 25 hour burn. And a clean burn at that. You can purchase them here Don’t forget to shop local and support all your little businesses. We NEED you!! 🥰❤️ Thanks my loves. Can’t wait to show you what else I have in store for you!! X
Hey my loves! How is everyone? Things are still all a bit weird aren’t they?! I’m back to work at Starbucks, and truth be told…I’m not loving it. The company has been GREAT! No complaints there. I’m just not loving the post lockdown bit. At all. I’m not actually loving being back in the outside world to be honest. I got too used to be at home with my babies…and I’ve just really realised that they’re needing their momma now, so much more than I thought they would at this age. And I love it. And I cherish these moments ❤️ I’ve been reading, creating, gardening, and just BEING. And it’s been soooo so good for the soul.
I used my time during lockdown to really focus on my candles and get my ideas and creations to you as well. I’m still working on all my designs, but while I’m doing that…I’ve finally managed a gorgeous sample box to suit every taste!
Each box contains 12 melts of your choice. They’re 2 oz pots, and you can easily get 6 burns per pot. These will make great gifts, or just a great way to sample all of your favourite scents so you know exactly what to expect with my other range of candles 🥰
All of my wax melts are made with soy wax and high quality fragrance oils. They have a very high scent throw that will have your house smelling beautiful. It’s a clean burn unlike many paraffin waxes and if you’re not a fan of having an open flame, wax melts are the best solution to a candle if used in an electric wax burner. It’s a win win really. Gorgeous scents, lots of fragrances to choose from, and affordable too! All you have to do is select 12 of your favourite fragrances, pop it in your basket, and leave the rest to us!
I hope you love these fragrances as much as I do!
To order your very own sample box, just click here and take your pick! Don’t forget to subscribe as I have so much more to show you and I’m just so excited ❤️
Sending so much love and light in these trying times. Don’t forget to stay present and BREATHE! We’re all in this together xx
I’m slowing down my cake game…yeah yeah, I KNOW! I say this every year, but this year I’m REEEEEALLLY going to focus on this side of my business. The candles, wax melts and smellies. Because I enjoy creating them so so much! I have some ideas for videos for Cakes By Carrie-Anne too and I’ll be including a lot of vegan recipes as well. So I’m pretty excited for that.
My anxiety has been through the absolute roof recently. It’s probably a mix of winter blues, some health concerns I’m dealing with, immigration issues etc. I even started online ordering my groceries again because even stepping foot in Tesco is triggering my anxiety big time. It’s why I think I leave so much to the last minute. I just don’t want to leave the house! I am working on it. All. The. Time. And it’s little wonder that I spend so much time in my bed 😒 BUT! This weekend I am making an ENTIRE range of candles that I absolutely can’t WAIT to show you but I have bigger plans for them, so you’ll not get to see them just yet. I personally think they are so worth the wait though 🥰
In the meantime, I’ve brought you my most ‘Valentiney’ scents and these are seriously not to be missed! They are available in 20cl sizes, as 9cl mini’s and also as wax melts!!
Red Velvet, Chocolate Cake, Fresh Roses, Marshmallow, Strawberry Wine…AND….no… No there’s no and, that’s it. Those are them 🥰 but they is GORGEOUS!
I am more than happy to make up little gift sets for the perfect Valentine’s present. And I’m all about treating oneself in the process. So if Valentines is just a big hokey marketing ploy to you (agreed, but I do love the cute that V Day brings to the table) but it gives me a chance to get a bit creative too, so I’m totally on board with that. Remember that Valentines Day is all about self love too…SO TREAT YOSELF! And everyone needs some gorgeous smellies in their life 🤷🏻♀️❤️ Am I right? 🥰
If you’d like a Valentines Gift box, just let me know what fragrances you’d like to include. Easy peasy squeeze the lemon! X
I’m laying here in pain, on my couch and my mind is in overdrive. It’s maybe one of my biggest flaws. Or at least a flaw of mine that I despise. The most.
I’m in pain because I’m constantly on the go. When I’m not ‘busy’ I feel like I need to be. And I don’t take the time out to properly relax. And when I do relax, the guilt takes over. Like I should be doing something more. It drives me crazy. So I had a crazy busy week working Starbucks, working on my cakes, preparing for a Christmas craft fair, and making candles etc. And my sciatica started playing up. I had my little boy standing on my back and dancing just to ease the pain a little bit. And then my guys, I shivered…yes SHIVERED too hard while selling my cakes at the fair…and I trapped a nerve in my shoulder 🙄
So I’ve taken a couple days off to just properly sit back and try my hardest to just be in the moment.
Tonight though my mind is going back and forth between what I really really want in my life, professionally, personally, mentally, and emotionally.
My husband and I have been closer than ever, and I love that. My kids are growing up so fast and I’m realising that I’m going to miss this stage if I look too hard at my business endeavours. So much of me wants a successful business of my own (which in fairness is pretty successful) but that doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be brick and mortar….just yet. I feel right now that I don’t want to work as hard as I have been for the past 20 years of my life.
I want to be able to say no to that extra shift. I don’t call in sick to work. EVER. So calling in these last couple of days was crazy hard for me. I felt like I was really letting folk down. I feel like I’m not ALLOWED to be ill. Even in the darkest depths of depression I showed up. Because I was always more concerned about someone else’s feelings. And no that’s not a bad thing, but I was forgetting to account for my own feelings, both mentally and physically. And it was the hardest thing to do, but I went home, and I made myself a cup of tea, although in agony, and I rested. And it put so much in to perspective for me.
And I’m such a firm believer in things happening for a reason. And EVERYTHING that I’ve gone through, every little thing, I know happens because it HAS to. Whether I like it or not. So now I’m learning to roll with the punches. To take everything in with grace and love, and understanding. And then watch it all as it develops. Sometimes I enjoy looking over at all the things I’ve done over the years and wonder how much just one tiny action changed my life, or someone’s else’s life, even in just the most minute way. It’s just kinda cool.
But for 2020, I’m definitely going to take more time to read, to meditate, to live in the moment, and to stop working so damn hard all the time. Because where does it actually get us?!
I’m going to take long breaks from social media, and I’m going to re invent myself everyday. And I’m going to keep creating. Because it’s when I’m creating that I’m at my happiest, and most content.
I have a whole new range of candles that I’m developing and I’m really taking my time on these ones. Once they’ve all come to fruition y’all will be the first to know. I’m thinking sometime in the new year. In the meantime, if you’re still looking for Christmas presents, I have lots of fragrances to choose from, and there’s still time, so get to it!!
Below is the link to all my cupcake candles. My personal favourites are Lemon Meringue, Pink Lemonade, and Blueberry Cheesecake…but my list goes on 🙈
The over thinker in me is struggling so much in this world right now. I’m in CONSTANT guilt mode. It’s actually debilitating. I feel guilt about the kind of wife I am, what I feed my kids, what I let them watch, how much time they’re spending indoors. I feel guilt every time I bake a damn cake and it’s not vegan. I feel guilt working at a huge coffee chain and seeing the amount of milk we use, rubbish we discard, and food we sometimes waste.
I feel guilty for every feeling I have that I’m ‘not supposed’ to have. And it’s mentally and physically draining. I honestly don’t know how to deal anymore. I’ve lost so much passion for just about everything. And I don’t want to feel like this. But then the guilt also makes me realise that it’s better than being numb all the time. Because I’ve been feeling a lot of that lately too. And it’s all just far too much for one person to bear. And the problem is I don’t actually have anyone to talk to. Not really. Not anyone that can truly understand what I’m going through. The ones that do understand…they have enough of their own shit to deal with. They don’t need to be burdened with my struggles too. So I write. I write because it’s therapeutic and I get so much out that sometimes I don’t know I’ve been holding back, it makes me re read so I can figure out what I need to do, where I need to ‘fix’ things. It also makes me say no. No to taking that extra cake order on, no to being walked all over, no to going out when all I want to do it stay in and sleep. No for doing anything that doesn’t resonate with my soul.
But also I’m very grateful for what I do have. I have people in my life that truly love me. People that I question their love for me, but my anxiety tells me it’s not true, that I can’t possibly be worthy of their love (I know you love me 🔥🔥 ..I do) , I have the most amazing children, that have such beautiful hearts, even though they can be so mean at times (they’re human too) and I’m blessed with having enough. Enough food, enough money, and enough love. I even feel guilt and shame for having anxiety and depression because I have ENOUGH. I have MORE than enough. But a part of my soul is not with me, it’s missing in a sense, and until I can get that sorted, I’m afraid that all the enough…will never be just enough. Oh trust me, I know how all this sounds 🙈😜
So read if you want, take from it what you want, or totally skim through it if you prefer. I’m just doing me, the best way I know how. I’m just trying to get by the best way I know how. So if this resonates with you at all, it simply means you’re not alone. And there’s a lot of comfort in that. It also means that if you need to reach out, please do so. There’s a lot of love in this heart too.
These past few days have been about reading soulful books, taking long hot baths, meditating, sleeping, and just being more present.
I’d love to say I’m working on some new projects. But to be honest. I’m just tired. I don’t have it in me just yet. I have lots of ideas, and planning a lot of projects, they just haven’t come to fruition yet. But bear with me, they will come.
I have been making macrame lately. I love it because it’s very therapeutic. It keeps my hands busy, it’s 100% natural. And it looks gorgeous when made in to wall hangings, plant holders, etc.
I’m selling these plant holders at the moment for £12 here. I’m so in to the boho chic look right now. I’m going to macrame the shit out of my house , just you wait 😂 Funny how it’s all coming back! I remember these all over the place as a kid. I’m glad they’ve made a comeback. I do think it’s a much prettier comeback. More to do with the colour scheme of the back thens 😂 yes I know my wall is pink, but also, I love a colourful house. Yellow hallways, pink living room, and a lavender bathroom. It’s much prettier than I’m making it sound 😜 But the colours bring me contented ness, and it balances out my current play list which mainly consists of Billie Eilish. So it works 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway, the macrame department will get bigger once I finish my grocery bag, wall hangings, and even a little hanging shelf!
I haven’t written a heart felt blog in a while. Mostly because sometimes I feel like if I don’t talk about how I’m feeling, then it doesn’t matter. And it’s not important. And that if I ignore my emotions, it will all go away. And I know how naive that way of thinking is too. But I also know that’s sometimes it’s all I can do.
I’m in my bed already. Because today I’m physically and mentally exhausted. When you’re around negative energy and negative personalities, it just gets way too much. I’m so so tired of letting people/events get to me. I’m tired of people trying to tell me who I am, trying to figure out if I’ve hurt someone because God forbid they actually communicate with me and let me know where I fucked up. I’m tired of people getting angry at me for FEELING. I’m ALLOWED to feel the way I feel. I’m especially tired of caring too much. Of the guilt I feel over every decision, every action, every word. And there’s no ONE to blame but myself. Are you exhausted reading this?! I literally have headaches everyday but these are the things that go around in my head 24/7. I CANNOT stop any of it. I try. I do. I try to read, I try to meditate. Sometimes I play games on my phone just to numb my mind a bit.
Yesterday I lit a candle and lay down and let my mind calm itself, and in those moments, I’m truly at peace. I relax, and I breathe. And I let all the senseless worrying go. It’s in those moments that I can really understand what’s important in life. Sometimes I have to read back on my blogs and realise how far I’ve come. And then I also realise that I’m still at a standstill in so many aspects of my life. Where I realise I very much still live my life for other people. Because I would rather harbour the hurt, then put it all on them. But that doesn’t seem right either. I think this is sometimes just the curse of the empath. And that’s all up to me to change that. I’m just not sure where to get that sort of strength from. Because allowing myself to be do things for me…comes with a level of guilt that kills me. But I’m working on it. Everyday. Every. Single. Day. One day, perhaps I’ll get there. I’ve also been reading a lot of spiritual books, and some really fun ones about making sure we aren’t missing the signs that our spirit guides are constantly sending us. Signs to let us know that the universe ALWAYS wants what’s best for us. If we ask for them, we will get them, and also when we need anything, the universe will always provide, so long as we have faith. So I’m working every day at putting that positive energy out there. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to have my bad days. And just because I’m spiritual, it’s doesn’t mean that I have to take anyone’s shit. People will always be dicks, that’s just a universal truth. But I’m going to make sure I don’t stoop to their level (I’ll try very hard at least) 😜
My favourite candle to use in my meditations is my rose quartz 11:11 candle. I use it because rose quartz is all about the love. And I’m needing a lot of self love in my life right now. And it also smells heavenly. I use essential oils of rose musk, geranium, and Ylang Ylang to fragrance it and dried rose petals on top. You can get your own here! I’m still having a Buy One get One Free offer on my cupcake candles, so be sure to have a look here so you don’t miss out 🥰
(I’m feeling so much more positive after this blog already!! See?! sometimes we just need to write it all down to understand where our triggers are!)
I’ve been noticing a pattern with my meds right now. One day I’ll be as high as a kite, I feel like I can take on the world…and the next. I’m drowning, my anxiety is through the roof and I’m just so weepy. And it’s so irrational, and I know this, which makes it even more frustrating. I’ve been feeling a little more on edge this week because every 2 or 3 years (I actually can’t keep up anymore!) my visa runs out, and I have to reapply for a new visa…or leave to remain…or spouse of a British national.
I feel like I’ve been on literally every single one. And every time after I pay a couple of grand, they’ll ‘let’ me stay in the country because the government doesn’t like keeping families apart….yet I feel like I’ll never get my British Citizenship. Or I face deportation. After we send off EVERY SINGLE piece of bank statements, identity, letters, proof of just about everything…we wait. And wait. And my life is put on hold because I’m waiting on someone, as I some regular person just like you and I, at Home Office to make a huge decision about MY future. And as much as I trust in the universe and that KNOW that everything that will be, will be. I can’t help but shit myself just a bit. I mean….my families future could be in the hands of someone who’s pet might have just died, or it’s their first day on the job and the person training them doesn’t give two shits because they’re leaving that job for their dream job…(this is my mind guys) or they got in a huge fight with their best friend , partner, child, etc just before they left for work. And to be honest guys…I just want to be around my family. I just don’t want to stress anymore about whether or not I’ll be deported. I don’t want to have to dip in to savings or our credit card for that matter to pay a huge sum of money for a ‘sorry, no, we just don’t feeel like you are an asset to our country.
And guys, it’s not even about the money. I have a very healthy relationship with money. Or at least I think I do😏😂 We work hard to feed our family, give them a roof over their heads, live comfortably…and I tend to give the rest away. Because I have got SO MUCH more than I really neeeed. And that makes me sound like I have too much money. In reality, we live pretty much pay-check to pay-check, like most people I’m assuming, but we’ve also got so much more than so many. So we always give where we can. Because we’ve been in the position when starting out as a very new family that we had to scrounge around the house for money for a load of bread. But I also know that if we continue to work hard, and play just as hard, and trust in ourselves and each other, and the universe, the money will continue to come. Because we have more than we need to survive. (Also going vegetarian saves a shitload of cash) just saying…. 🤷🏻♀️ chickpeas and lentils are hella cheap! 🙌🏻 So what I’m asking, ever so eloquently, is if you’ve been fancying a gorgeous, one of a kind, sniffy candle…if it’s for Mother’s Day, or just a treat for yourself (because you KNOW you deserve it…my Buy One get One Free offer is still on. Click on all the gorgeous fragrances you’d like and have them shipped straight to your door. Because who doesn’t love a twofer?! It’s a total win win, because you’ll also be helping me to pay my massive Leave to Remain fee! 😬❤️ Thanks my loves. So so much, and more than you know! What are you waiting for?! Click here and get your order(s) in!
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