Hey guys, long time no speak…I’ve been really thinking long and hard on whether or not I wanted to continue writing on this blog. Mostly because I was getting a lot of negative feedback in that I was writing maybe a little too truthfully…but to be honest, if I can’t be honest with myself (and to whoever’s reading this), Then what’s the point? I write this blog because I know I can’t be the only ‘crazy’ one. The only reason I thought I was actually going insane was because no one EVER comes clean about the thoughts and feelings they have, so the ‘real’ people feel isolated, insane and really quite helpless. I truly believe that we are souls having a human experience…and all the ‘small stuff’ that we think is so important, really is just small stuff. I believe that all our thoughts and feelings should never EVER be judged. That we have these thoughts and feelings for a reason. Today I want to put my thoughts about relationships out there. They’ve been weighing on my mind a lot lately.
I’ve been told this a few too many times in my life over the years. ‘You’re smart, but not smart enough to do this’, ‘Oh my gosh!! Carrie, your bum is huge!!’ ‘Whoa, I wasn’t expecting your thighs to be so big because your waist is so tiny!’ ‘You’re cute, I wouldn’t say sexy, but definitely cute’ ‘You should definitely get braces’, ‘hmm, you should consider rollerblading to tone those thighs’ are just a few of the things I’ve heard over the years (who the heck was I associating with?!) but I’ll come back to this..
I haven’t written on this blog for awhile. I’ve been going through some heavy stuff. I don’t want to say that it’s coming to a close….because I have a feeling this journey will be a long one. But it’s becoming a little bit less overwhelming. I feel like the depressive side of my life is coming to a (very slow) end and now it’s more frequently a sense of calm, a sense of purpose and a sense of love. I’ve been awakened. And once you’ve been awakened….you can’t go back to sleep, because now ‘I know!’
Woooooosh! That’s literally what I feel like my whole body and soul is saying. I’ve figured it out. After 32 years, I’ve finally put my finger on it. I’m an Empath…which I’ve known for awhile BUT. Ok before I get ahead of myself let me clarify. I’ve kinda sorta always known I’ve been extremely sensitive…(That totally just autocorrected to sensible….umm not so much!) and it was my step mom who always told me that I feel the way I do because I’m an empath, and although I knew what an empath was…I didn’t actually KNOW what it it meant, until now that is.
My laptop charger died on me a few days ago, and my phone is going haywire…and my beloved mixer died on me too…technologically it hasn’t been a good few days….emotionally it could’ve been better as well. Emotionally….I’ve taken a few steps backward. Guys, I’ve been off my antidepressants for 4 weeks! I weaned myself off them because I thought I could handle it…and I could, I was doing really well. I was laughing, I was enjoying my time alone and the time with my thoughts. I was singing! Singing on the top of my lungs, belting out the show tunes, dancing in my kitchen…And then….BAM! I took a turn. And I know what the trigger was, which actually makes it worse, because I thought I was past this.
My beautiful friend Victoria, who I met 2 years ago when I went on a cake decorating course in Ireland, is pregnant!! She’s expecting her first baby and I was invited to her baby shower. She lives in London though….so just a teensy bit of a trek 🙈
I knew she wasn’t expecting me to come. It’s July, it’s wedding season and I’m sure she assumed I had far too many cakes to bake. But I made the effort. I knew when I met this woman that we would share a lifelong friendship.
If you have never read Outlander by Diana Gabaldon, I urge you to do it…..NOW. It’s an incredible read full of everything you could ever ask for in a book. I first read the books when I was 15 and have read them about 5 times over since then. In this book Jamie calls Claire ‘Mo Chridhe’ which is Gaelic for ‘My Heart’. I just LOVED it, and it stuck with me and it’s a term of endearment that I have only ever used with two people in my life, because to me it means so much more than just ‘my heart’ …but I digress…
Hey guys, I’ve been doing A LOT of reflecting lately. I’m sure most of you know that by now 😉 I’ve rediscovered so much about myself and also made so much sense of the person I am today.
Photo credit: Etsystatic.com
It’s hard to believe that 8 years ago today I experienced a grief so deep that I thought I would never recover.
On July 1st 2009 I had an appointment to have my 20 week pregnancy scan. I hadn’t felt any flutters or twinges but I wasn’t too worried as this was my first pregnancy and I didn’t know what to expect. My morning sickness was severe. I couldn’t even hold down water. My husband had to fend for himself when it came to cooking as even the smell of meat had me gagging into my pillow. It was NOT pretty.
It’s been a crazy week of cakes and it’s the start of the summer holidays, so I’m looking forward to just going with the flow, no set routine, sleeping in (who am I kidding, my children are ridiculously early risers) and going on mini adventures.
I’m feeling fantastic. I’m feeling rejuvenated, peaceful and content. I haven’t had this feeling in a long time and my goodness it feels great!
Just this morning, after waking up with that stomach full of dread, I got my coffee and started going through my daughter’s school bag looking for her hair tie. This child of mine is quite the artiste so I was raking through piles of her drawings. Then I came across her spelling book, the one that she’s been doing all her tests in throughout the year. I just gave it a quick skim through and then the last 2 pages was like a punch in the gut! 3/9 and 0/9?!