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Immigration, the Unknown…and super gorgeous Candles

I’ve been noticing a pattern with my meds right now. One day I’ll be as high as a kite, I feel like I can take on the world…and the next. I’m drowning, my anxiety is through the roof and I’m just so weepy. And it’s so irrational, and I know this, which makes it even more frustrating. I’ve been feeling a little more on edge this week because every 2 or 3 years (I actually can’t keep up anymore!) my visa runs out, and I have to reapply for a new visa…or leave to remain…or spouse of a British national.

I feel like I’ve been on literally every single one. And every time after I pay a couple of grand, they’ll ‘let’ me stay in the country because the government doesn’t like keeping families apart….yet I feel like I’ll never get my British Citizenship. Or I face deportation. After we send off EVERY SINGLE piece of bank statements, identity, letters, proof of just about everything…we wait. And wait. And my life is put on hold because I’m waiting on someone, as I some regular person just like you and I, at Home Office to make a huge decision about MY future. And as much as I trust in the universe and that KNOW that everything that will be, will be. I can’t help but shit myself just a bit. I mean….my families future could be in the hands of someone who’s pet might have just died, or it’s their first day on the job and the person training them doesn’t give two shits because they’re leaving that job for their dream job…(this is my mind guys) or they got in a huge fight with their best friend , partner, child, etc just before they left for work. And to be honest guys…I just want to be around my family. I just don’t want to stress anymore about whether or not I’ll be deported. I don’t want to have to dip in to savings or our credit card for that matter to pay a huge sum of money for a ‘sorry, no, we just don’t feeel like you are an asset to our country.

And guys, it’s not even about the money. I have a very healthy relationship with money. Or at least I think I do😏😂 We work hard to feed our family, give them a roof over their heads, live comfortably…and I tend to give the rest away. Because I have got SO MUCH more than I really neeeed. And that makes me sound like I have too much money. In reality, we live pretty much pay-check to pay-check, like most people I’m assuming, but we’ve also got so much more than so many. So we always give where we can. Because we’ve been in the position when starting out as a very new family that we had to scrounge around the house for money for a load of bread. But I also know that if we continue to work hard, and play just as hard, and trust in ourselves and each other, and the universe, the money will continue to come. Because we have more than we need to survive. (Also going vegetarian saves a shitload of cash) just saying…. 🤷🏻‍♀️ chickpeas and lentils are hella cheap! 🙌🏻 So what I’m asking, ever so eloquently, is if you’ve been fancying a gorgeous, one of a kind, sniffy candle…if it’s for Mother’s Day, or just a treat for yourself (because you KNOW you deserve it…my Buy One get One Free offer is still on. Click on all the gorgeous fragrances you’d like and have them shipped straight to your door. Because who doesn’t love a twofer?! It’s a total win win, because you’ll also be helping me to pay my massive Leave to Remain fee! 😬❤️ Thanks my loves. So so much, and more than you know! What are you waiting for?! Click here and get your order(s) in!

💕

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You’re so sensitive!

I’ve been told my entire life that I’m ‘so sensitive’. Said in such a way that I felt like there was something wrong with me. Like it was a weakness. Because I felt things more than others. Over the years I started hardening my heart a little. Yes I would still cry in just about every film I ever watched, but I built a wall and tried to fight the sensitivity. I found myself becoming more hostile, angry, and intolerant. And then when things get really bad in my head. I shut down. I still do that. I become much less talkative…which says a LOT. I isolate myself from friends and family, and I hide.

My mind refuses to turn off lately. I’ve been getting crazy anxiety, I’ve been worrying about EVERYTHING and I just can’t shut it down. And now….I have a mini version of that at home. Although both my children are very sensitive (thankfully!)…Hayden is extremely so. And every so often I see my 8 year old self in her. She feels so so much, that I think sometimes her little soul can’t take it anymore. And my goodness she can be MEAN! She’s quite the philosopher, is questioning the ways of the world ALL the time, and she gets so angry when things don’t make sense in her head. Things like having to eat her pizza at school lunch with a knife and fork. I mean….she gets ANGRY, and you know what…she has a point! We don’t eat our sandwiches with a knife and fork so I’m on her side with this ALL THE WAY. She’s a people pleaser, and when she comes home from school, a good day is when she’s made the teacher proud. And I adore that, but sometimes I wish that she didn’t care so much what people think. She overthinks. She asks questions like ‘what’s the point in being born if people are just going to boss you around the whole time’, why in the world do we have to do maths when it’s just silly and I’ll never need to know it, and why do I need to go to school to learn stupid things.

These past couple of weeks has been a really rough one for me. I’ve been really really struggling with my purpose, my ambitions and what exactly I’m supposed to be doing in this crazy world. And then I see the way my daughter is, and I realise that if I weren’t here anymore…she would struggle. Don’t get me wrong. Kyle is MORE than enough. He’s an incredible dad. So supportive and understanding of our children. But lately when I get those very dark thoughts. I think of how my babies would be. And I know they’d be so much worse without me. Because I was that child. I can empathise fully, and I know how to handle it.

Just today my little boy gave me the biggest kiss and cuddle jumped into my arms and while he squeezed the life out of me he said ‘Mum, I love you so much, I don’t even know what to do! I just want to kiss you and cuddle you!! I love you FOREVER!’ And sometimes that’s all it takes to make me stop, think about my hurts…and realise that I would DESTROY them if I went through with my thoughts. Those babies need their momma so much. And you know what? I need them. I need to teach them how to use their empathic powers for the good of the world. To teach them how to be humble, and kind, and giving. I’m so very proud of them. Because although they can be ABSOLUTE SHITS, we’ll be sure to raise some decent human beings. Even though their mom has done some awful things in her life. It’s a reminder that I’m human too…and I’m not infallible….and that’s ok. Because I’m trying every single day. And they won’t be perfect all the time…and that’s ok too. Because how else do we learn?

*edit* I initially wrote this blog weeks ago. And I was struggling, so much. This past week I’ve been in such a good place. It’s been a good week, but I’ve decided to blog this anyway, because this blog is for me. It’s a diary of sorts that will help me, and hopefully others too that are going through a dark period in their life. So I’ll be publishing more blogs that are about my journey, rather than promoting my products, because sometimes. I just need to write ❤️ I know I just published a blog yesterday and right now, I’m in a good place. I really am. I’m hopeful. And these blogs are never meant to be dark, and sad, and soul destroying. If anything, my intention for them is to be the complete opposite! Express yourselves, talk and have the hard conversations. We need to. The world needs more acceptance, and we could all use a little more understanding. There’s no judging here. Ever! Because we’re all a little bit weird…right?! 🤷🏻‍♀️❤️

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Back on the pills 💊

*Edit- I initially wrote this blog about 3 months ago and never hit publish. I was re reading it today and realised that I’ve been overthinking my posts too….and that this is my blog, where I get to write out my thoughts and feelings and I’m going to publish each and every post I make. I have a few that have been left because I was perhaps feeling a bit vulnerable.. and though my meds make me so sleepy (I’ve had to start taking them at night so as to not sleep all day) they’re definitely helping. Although I’ve had a few relapses….I think that’s to be expected…*

Hey my guys, literally a tough pill to swallow here, but I’ve had to go back on my anti depressants. I’ve been fighting it for so long, because stupidly I was letting my ego get in the way, where I should have been listening to my intuition…(I’m kinda good at ignoring my higher self 🙄) I wanted to meditate, I wanted to do it all naturally. But our good pal Greg…kinda forced me to see a doctor. Don’t get me wrong. Kyle I’m sure was just as worried…but he also knows I’m a big girl, and making an appointment with the doctor isn’t something that I should just be doing for my children’s medical needs. Sometimes I need to be brave and take care of me too. But guys, adulting is the shits…and I struggle with doing the not so fun stuff. But Greg came round for coffee and he started asking questions…the hard questions. Then he MADE me schedule an appointment and he was going to check in to make sure I had…and y’all I’m not about to disappoint Greg 😏 so I did. Make the appointment I mean…And although I don’t WANT to be back on meds…I also want to feel ok again. And I want my babies to have a less sad mom. And I want to feel like myself again. Whatever that means 😉

As sad as I am…I’m also one of the most optimistic and happy people that I know. It’s sounds insane. Trust me. I realise this. And although there are MANY days when I look in to my future and see nothing but good things, there are also more days than I’d like where I see nothing but defeat. I see hatred, greed, and just a world where I feel like I don’t belong. And I just want to go home. Not home as in Canada, or even South Africa for that matter. But HOME. And those days scare me. Because although I don’t fear death. AT ALL. I fear for my children. I fear that if I leave them behind in this messy world, then I’ve failed them completely.

I tried a few things before I went to see the docs. I got a job. A job outside of my businesses making cakes and candles. I got a job that I had about 14 years ago that I swore I’d return to one day.

I worked for a very short time in Richmond as a Barista for Starbucks. And let me tell you, of ALL the jobs I’ve had (and I’ve had MANY) Starbucks was hands down one of my favourites. So I went for an interview and I got a job as a shift supervisor. So for the past 3 months I’ve been learning and re learning all the things. And I LOVE it!!! It’s such a fantastic and rewarding job. It gets my mind off things, the shitty, scary things. And all I need to do is focus on the job at hand. My co workers are all such a joy to work with…well mostly 🤪and I couldn’t ask for a more decent and fun manager. Although I’ve only been there a few short months, I feel like I’ve been apart of the team for YEARS!

And the doctor was AMAZING! Seriously, hands down, one of the best doctors I’ve had in the UK so far. He actually cared. He asked questions, the hard questions. He didn’t want to just know the thoughts I was having and how he could treat them. He wanted to understand. And that felt so good. It felt so good knowing that a doctor actually cared about a patient’s well being, instead of just writing a quick prescription and being done with it.

I’m hoping I won’t be on the meds for too long, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it either. I’m going to make sure I get better, that I get the help I need, and that I start living in a way that my soul will progress. I’m an incredibly impatient person, so this is why I’m struggling so much too. But also, it’s a huge lesson in learning how to slow down, and enjoy this gift of life that I’ve been given. Because this life truly is a gift. And I know I’m here for a reason, and that reason hasn’t made itself super clear to me. I’m definitely getting better at listening 🥰

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Valentine’s Day! And all the fuss 🤷🏻‍♀️❤️🤪😏

Hey my guys, I was going to introduce a new Valentine’s Day Scent…but instead got far too hyped up about Easter. I know, but when you’ve got Easter Eggs staring you down every single aisle in Tesco…Valentine’s Day is kinda left out. Until the week before that is!

I’m not a big celebrant of VDay anyway. I don’t like the hype, I don’t like what it stands for anymore….and to be honest, I’d rather receive a bouquet of flowers on any other day of the year….because then I KNOW that it’s more from the heart than a ‘well Hallmark says I should soooo…’ But I’m a total hypocrite too…because I love seeing all the cutesy love hearts, cakes, and chocolates everywhere. It makes me smile….so what I’m saying in a very roundabout way is that I’ll leave Valentine’s Day to Hallmark….. (although I’m not about to turn down an order for some cute Valentine’s Day cupcakes either) 😉😂

I jumped ahead and ordered some adorable labels from my supplier, and concocted a vanilla and chocolate fragrance….did a bit of clay work and voila!

My Cream Egg Candle was born….and ain’t she something else?! I’m undecided on whether I’ll only have these available at Easter…or all year round. What do you guys think?!! I’d love to hear your thoughts. I don’t think many of you heard about my Buy One Get One Free Promo, so I’ll keep that on my website. Any candle from my cupcake range while quantities last including this new Fragrance. Click this link to order yours today. The offer will be automatically applied at the checkout. Thanks my loves. If you need me, I’ll be making candles….and brownies….or Brownie Candles!! 🤔😍🙌🏻 Stay tuned….I’m always experimenting

Sending love and light 💕

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CANDLE SALE!

Hello my loves! Happy Happy New Year! I am so incredibly grateful for all of your support in the last year. My candles have been very popular and I’ve been very busy with cakes as well so I feel like I need to give back! The universe has been so kind to me. It seems the least I can do.

I still have an abundance of candles (although fragrances are limited) so I’ll be having a sale on these specific fragrances. They will be on sale while supplies last as I also need to make some room so I can bring you some new fragrances…and so I can get some room to store my massive boxes Soy Wax. Small house my guys…the struggle is real when you’re a crafter 🙈

So take your pick of these gorgeous fragrances and watch for my latest candles! Right now all fragrances listed are available in the 20cl jars and are BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!

Exciting stuff!! I highly recommend the Blueberry Cheesecake, and the Banana Nut Muffin…oh but then again the Strawberry Wine is beautiful too. Far too many to choose from, but at this deal, you can get a few. Am I right?! Oooh Chocolate Orange, and Gingerbread are lush too 😏 Have fun choosing and I can’t wait to bring you my new range. Don’t forget to subscribe! X

Sale ends January 31st or until stock runs out.

I have an exciting new fragrance available for Easter (I know….it’s only January, but I’m just trying to keep up with the rest of the world 🤣) as well so keep an eye out! 😘

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All Natural Crystal Candle Range and Twin Flame Healing 💕

My loves! I’m back with some new candles. I’m a real sucker for crystals, crystal healing, and all natural products. I wear Amethyst and Rose Quartz around my neck all the time, my meditation room is scattered with Citrine, Amethyst, Tourmaline, Quartz and Turquoise, and I am currently taking a course on crystal healing as well. Crystals are calming and beautiful and really make a difference with ALL THE THINGS. My kids have even taken a keen interest. I decided that because I love my crystals so much, and I LOVE aromatherapy, it just made sense to put the two together and develop some candles that help to heal, look gorgeous, and smell amazing as well. I’ve developed 3 fragrances right now and you can order the first one (11:11) here!

This all natural range uses only the best essential oils and fragrance oils and I’ve included a crystal in each candle. Once you burn it down, you have your very own crystal to use as you like.

First I have ’11:11′ my twin flame candle. This candle promotes love in all its forms, as well as self love and also helps call in your soulmate or twin flame. I personally use it with my twin flame healing meditations when I need to send love, healing, and forgiveness to my twin, and when I want to clear any negative energies and vibrations between us. It’s also a way to help my twin awaken, and to remember who and what they are so they can be the best version of themselves. So they can heal, and be happy and ultimately living their best life. It helps align me to unconditional love in all aspects of my life too.

Lately I’ve been using it to send love and healing to a very toxic person in my life. When I need to remember that the bad vibes they’re sending my way, have nothing to do with me. That I need to focus on my own healing instead of taking on their hatefulness, and regardless of how hurtful and petty they’re being…I can send them love and light, and release all the negativity. Because only I have that power over me 💕

Anyway…the candle is infused with rose musk, Ylang Ylang and geranium, sprinkled with dried rose petals and has a gorgeous Rose Quartz crystal inside the candle. It’s also made with a wooden wick so you get this gorgeous crackling effect when it’s lit!! Sooooo so beautiful. So use this Candle with all the love you can muster, then sprinkle that shit everywhere. Because Spirit knows we need it now more than ever. Just LOVE!! Get rid of the need to be right, and the need to have power over others. Because it’s stupid. Just love my guys. It’s so much nicer, and your life becomes so much calmer too.

Next (although not for sale just yet) I have ‘Nirvana’, this candle is scented with Lavender, and helps to promote calm, balance, peace and sleep. I have included Amethyst crystals as they aid with Depression, and in spirituality growth and contentment. It’s an all encompassing and empowering stone that has SO many benefits. I use this one more when I’m taking a bath. It’s where I can relax, de stress and wash away the worries of my day. I use it with my handmade 100% natural Geode bath bombs, which you can order here!!

‘Happy’ is my Citrine Candle. It’s scented with orange and lemon blossom, bergamot and grapefruit. Citrine represents the Solar Plexus Chakra and provides the user with hope, happiness, courage, and warmth. Citrine is also the crystal used for prosperity and good fortune. And who doesn’t love a little extra cash coming in now and then. Kyle thinks I’m nuts, but I do guided meditations on manifesting wealth…and when he’s worrying about money I tell him ‘I’ve got this, I did my wealth meditation’, he gives me an eye roll, and then I get a big order soon after and he just laughs. It’s all about putting that positive energy out there my guys!! X

That’s all for now, but I’m also working on a range focused more for men. I generally really dislike when products are marketed for men or women only…as I prefer wearing men’s deodorant to women’s and I LOVE the smell of aftershave so this next candle is actually inspired by my manager who asked if I had a more masculine scent, like his favourite aftershaves. So of course I had to see what I could do. So far I have ‘Sauvage’, ‘Invictus’, and ‘Angel’.

I think what I love most about them is the simplicity of the design too. A lovely little Silver tin with a watercolour label, and a crackling wooden wick that just looks so homely . I’ll be lighting up my Sauvage candle so I don’t need to be so weird as to sniff my husbands shirt when he’s on night shift and I’m missing him a little more than usual 😅🙈

Anyway, all these candles will be available to order for Christmas, so please watch this space, subscribe and you’ll always be the first to hear about all my new products.

Thanks my loves, sending you all the love and light I can muster! You ALL deserve it 😘💕

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Cake International and Donut Eat Bakery

Hello my loves!! Apparently it’s been 2 months since my last post…and guaranteed, my next blog will be about a week or 2 after this one…when it rains it pours and all that 😉

It’s been pretty hectic here lately. I hate saying that. I prefer calm, but apparently I do chaos much better 😜

I very last minute decided to go to Cake International to get my Donut Eat Bakery brand out there a bit. And when I have my heart set on something…it takes a LOT to change my mind. I’m very strong willed and stubborn in that sense. If I have the vision, I make it happen. No and’s, if’s or but’s about it. And I believe in my product. It’s unique, totally one of a kind, it’s quality and what’s more, they look amazing and smell fantastic! So yeah, I’m beyond excited to get them out for everyone to enjoy 😍

So I booked my table, we managed to get the kids looked after and I booked a little Enterprise Van. I spent hours in the kitchen melting and pouring wax, casting resin and making beautiful candles.

I packed up the van on Thursday, and headed out to Birmingham. My GPS told me 7 hours….I finally arrived after 12. Mostly because of a wrong turn on my part…but also, the M8 was a nightmare…or was it the M6?! I still don’t think I’ll ever figure that out. All I know is the motorway is scary. Especially as I really do not like driving in the dark…on foreign roads, sandwiched between lorries, going 80mph, in lashing rain.

When I finally found my hotel, I started bringing all my boxes in, and realised I left a VERY important box at home. I was gutted. And when you’re exhausted, and starting to doubt yourself and allll the money you’ve spent on your dream…you get a teeny bit overwhelmed. And it felt like my whole world was falling apart. I slept for 3 hours before I had to be up to prepare some things I hadn’t had time to do before I left home. And then I left for the National Exhibition Centre.

The roundabouts in Birmingham are beyond comprehension. I missed the turn off twice so a 6 minute drive from my hotel turned in to a 45 minute journey. At one point, I put my hands firmly on the steering wheel and SCREAMED on the top of my lungs out of sheer frustration.

When I finally made it, I posted a wee message to my Facebook Collaboration group, and within minutes my cake family arrived to rescue me. Vicki and Sarah give THE best hugs and along with some other fantastic gals, they had me all set up and ready to go in no time. Coffee included!! I was so moved and get choked up just thinking about it. They really came through when I was feeling so alone and vulnerable. Thank you ladies. You are amazing 😍

You must go check out their pages. Sarah makes the most BEAUTIFUL wedding cakes at Eat My Muffin Bakery and Vicki from Tiki’s Bakehouse is the Queen of Collaborations. Such a beautiful woman, always taking on so much more than any of us are capable of, for her love of the craft 💕

My beautiful friend Victoria who I met in Ireland and hit it off straight away, came up from London to support me. She came up with her husband and sweet baby boy. I mean, how fantastic is that?! I really am so blessed.

So the first day went ok. But I felt unprepared, and tired, so I think that reflected…a lot. I went back to the hotel that night and slept for 10 hours. So the next morning I was feeling refreshed and so much more optimistic. And I sold much more. People were LOVING my products, and it felt GREAT! I even made it to the event in 10 minutes 🙌🏻 getting those roundabouts sussed 😉

Day 3 was quieter but I got to meet some amazing people, including Claire from http://bombshellbakes.com/ and she did some coffee and tea runs for me too. She also won an award on her cake and she’s only just started in AUGUST?!! Wonderful talent 😍

I even managed to do a wee bit of shopping. And with my Frostinator from Evil Cake Genius, I’m bound to get perfectly sharp edged buttercream cakes like PaddyCakes UK. Erm for real, those edges could cut steel! Such a great guy is Patrick and I’m so delighted to have met him. Check out his stunning work at PaddyCakes.uk

I had to get some sprinkles off my neighbours at Sweetapolita too. Beautiful gals and just so lovely. It’s the Canadian in them ya know 😉

I’m so excited to try the sprinkles on my next cake! 🙌🏻

I added 5 new fragrances to my line too…

Gingerbread

Banana Nut Muffin

Holiday Magic

Apple Cinnamon

Pumpkin Spice

And I can honestly say, I can’t choose a favourite of the 5. They’re all pretty delicious. You can order them HERE!

So, I left for home on Sunday at about 7. I had to stop at a few service stations on the way home just to make sure I didn’t fall asleep at the wheel. I got pretty cosy on my route back, and got a few kips in. Thankfully there were numerous Starbucks’ on the way, and eventually…got a bit weepy when I saw the massive Saltire 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Sign. I was on familiar territory again.

I finally made it home at 10am. Had a wonderful bath, dropped my rental van off, and then picked the kids up from School. I missed them enormously. And I missed their daddy too. So much. I fell asleep that night with the kids at 730….and slept straight through to 7am the next morning. Was it worth it? I think so. Will I do it again? Probably. On my own?! Nope. I will never do that journey alone again. I will say I’m so incredibly proud of myself for doing it. For believing in myself, for knowing that I have it in me. That I’m capable. And that I’m not going to let anything or anyone stand in the way of my dreams. Because life is too short for others to dictate how you live it. So take the chance. Do you. Because I know that I’d regret it if I never tried.

And the connections I made, the people I met. The progress I made. It was all meant to happen. The universe works in mysterious ways. I know it was all part of the plan x

Thanks for reading my loves. I’ll have a new post out shortly. Because there’s so much more to tell you that I just didn’t have time for in this post! And I’ll have Christmas Gift sets up in the next few days so watch this space!!!

Don’t forget to subscribe x

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Birthday Cake and Irn Bru Soap 🎂 🍰

Hey my loves. I’m back from Vancouver and I’m struggling. Kinda. Sorta. Struggling in the sense that my dreams and ambitions are right in the forefront of my mind and it’s going to take awhile to fruition…and that’s totally ok but this gal is IMPATIENT! I’m missing my Reema like mad (thank goodness for FaceTime) and we’re kinda doing this dreaming thing together. We’ve got a 5 year plan, and we are going to make magic happen…just you watch 😍

So after being ‘home’ in Scotland for 3 days, I got my butt in to gear, got ALL the ingredients together that I’ve had sitting around for ages, and I got making some soap.

The base contains Olive oil, palm oil (organic and certified sustainable thank you very much) coconut oil, castor oil and hazelnut oil. Gorgeously rich and it produces a beautiful lather. And it smells the exact same as my Birthday Cake Candle that you can order here!

These will be available to pre order here and I’ll send them out in a month. I know, I know….but these are artisan soaps, they contain lye, and for the saponification to happen and to get rid of the lye, it needs to cure for a month. But the wait will be worth it. These soaps will be available in ALL my candle ‘flavours’ as well, and I’ll be selling them individually, with a hand knitted facecloth, and also as part of a gift set which will also be available for pre order. You know….for Christmas and all 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m also making some very unique candles for The Depressed Cake Shop and I’ll have them for sale in September. I’m providing miniature scented candles to McGreevey Cakes for her Cakeheads masquerade ball in October as well so things are all go here! Not to mention wedding fairs and macarons…(I’ll keep you posted, subscribe so you don’t miss out!) All in all, things are looking up. I feel my soul has been evolving pretty rapidly these last few weeks as well and I’m finally getting rid of my too nice attitude, not letting people treat me like a stepping stone or a convenience and that in itself is letting me get on with my purpose and passion in life. I was put here for a damn good reason. And I may not realise what that reason is just yet, but I’m putting it all to the universe and trusting that everything is here to help me…

Side note:

So, unbeknownst to me…my Birthday Cake fragrance oil contains vanillin, which makes sense considering it’s got a lovely sweet smell to it….but it didn’t state that on the bottle!!! Which meant I did NOT add a vanillin stabiliser…which in turn meant that there was a lye chemical reaction which has now discoloured the soap. And that’s fine too…as it still kept it’s beautiful scent…it’s just looking a little more over baked than I’d have liked. Ah well, live and learn I guess? 😍

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Friendships through depression,

Lately I’ve realised just exactly why depression is such a taboo subject. When you wear your heart on your sleeve, people actually don’t want to hear about it. As much as they say they do…I’m really not sure how much of that is true. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what to say or do. Maybe they think we’re being too dramatic. But the feeling of despair that runs so deep, FEELS ridiculously dramatic. People get angry, because we have our children to think about so how dare we have suicidal thoughts…but sometimes even that doesn’t feel like it’s enough. That out babies would be truly better off without such a sad mom. I wake up EVERY SINGLE MORNING with anxiety. A feeling that my whole world is crashing down around me…and I feel like throwing up, then I feel like closing my eyes again and just sleeping forever. And every morning I find the strength to take on the day. Most times this feeling dissipates within a couple of hours. Sometimes within minutes. Sometimes, on the bad days, the feeling lasts ALL day. Those are the days that nothing gets done. That I only leave the house when I absolutely have to. I do the absolute minimum to just survive. And lately I have been a bit more quiet than usual. Because keeping quiet and putting on a smile and a brave face, means everyone just gets on with it and isn’t worrying about me. Sometimes ‘I’m fine’ is easier. I prefer it that way. Some days…all it takes is my best friend. My rock. My first friend in Canada. Reema is my other half. She’s a sister, a confidante, and she knows every cringeworthy, embarrassing, and soulful secret about me. This woman knows my deepest, darkest secrets that I’ve never told ANYONE! And I’m pretty sure the only way you would ever find she’d talk is to threaten and torture her. And even then I think you’d struggle. She’s loyal like that.

(Reems 3rd from the left and me at the end circa 2001) ?! That date on the photo is very wrong!

Reema came into my life, or rather I was thrown into hers in February of 1994. I was just 9 years old and very new to Richmond (a suburb of Vancouver). I started at Westwind Elementary in Grade 3 in Mrs Lum’s class. Reema hated my big writing, and the fact that I used funny words like ‘rubber’ instead of ‘eraser’. I’m not sure how we found ourselves in each others pocket’s but we did and very soon after that we were inseparable.

We spent all of our time together, and what’s more we were complete opposites. Reema loved her rap music, I was a pop/country girl. While she tried getting me to listen to Tupac, I was trying to get her to appreciate Celine Dione….and I actually succeeded!  💪🙌🏻 She LOVED shopping and would drag me to the mall, I HATED it (especially after she’d buy something and return it the next day…something I’ve learned she STILL does!) Reema loved going out and clubbing. I’d rather stay in with a good book. But we enjoyed each others company and we laughed together. A LOT! Reema is pretty much the only person that could get me to pee myself from laughing too much….and I’ve discovered just in her last visit here that she’s still got that skill. I find myself bursting out laughing when I’m by myself when I see a meme that reminds me of her or if I have random memory that includes her.

I’m writing this while totally jet lagged. I’ve been up for over an hour, I’ve tried meditating because my heart is breaking today. I tend to write more when I’m feeling really low, but sometimes it’s because I’m so excited. Today unfortunately is not one of those days. Today my anxiety is through the roof. I can feel a ball of fire in the pit of my belly, and it starts to rise up to my chest and then to my oesophagus, where I actually wonder if this is perhaps what a dragon might feel like to breathe fire. Except for a dragon it’s normal….but then again. Anxiety is somewhat normal for me too. Although breathing fire would make for so much more fun 😏(I’m thinking S’mores! 🙌🏻) Today I know where my anxiety stems from. That helps. It helps because I can come to terms with it better, I can confront the person or scenario head on. And to be honest, I don’t do confrontation. I’d rather another person see me as weak and stupid and a fool than bring them down too. Despite my depression, I still have so much love in this heart of mine. Sometimes I wish I could harden it. So I don’t feel so deeply. It’s just one of my many flaws. Which I don’t apologise for anymore. This is me.

I’m actually in Vancouver now. I’m staying with my best friend. And to be honest, I’m so grateful for that. Because this anxiety could’ve turned ugly if it weren’t for her.

Lately, when I’ve been feeling so desolate and alone, and the depression hits a real low. I go to Reems. Because in a matter of 5 minutes she reminds me exactly why I’m here. She has me laughing through the tears and doubt, and just like that, I’m fixed….until the next time. I know she doesn’t understand where I’m coming from completely. I get it. I never understood depression until I got a taste of it myself. And I can NEVER judge anyone again. I always used to assume that people who took their own lives were cowards or selfish. I couldn’t have been more wrong, because now that I’ve experienced the pain that comes with it first hand, you’d do anything to make it go away. You’d do anything to save hurting anyone. The drugs work for some time. They numb you to the point that you don’t feel anything. And sometimes not feeling is much worse than feeling too much. So to anyone suffering with depression, I want you to know that you’re not broken. You will find your place, eventually. No one will ever FULLY understand what you’re going through. Unless they’ve been through it themselves. And even then…everyone’s journey is so very unique.

Most days I find myself diving head first in to my work. Creating gives me a sense of purpose. I get excited and I look forward to the future. Most days I feel optimistic. Insanely optimistic. I’ve got a beautiful life. A husband that (even though we’re going through a very ‘rough’ patch in our marriage…it’s never been a question about not having enough love) is a constant support, two beautiful children, a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies. And every morning when I wake up feeling lost. I remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life, and how grateful I am for everything. How LUCKY I am. So

I’m here. I want to listen, and I want to help. And to my Reems. Thank you for bringing that sunshine in to my life. When it all get so tough, I know I can count on you when it feels like everyone else has given up on me. (I know they haven’t….it just feels that way). I love you so much. I’m so glad we found our way back in to each others lives!

On a side note guys! My candles have been doing so well! I have them for sale at Eye Candy in Thurso, and on my online shop. At the end of the month I will take 10% of the sales and donate it to Mind.co.uk to help others going through depression. Please keep a lookout for my gift baskets that I will be selling. Each basket will include a Large scented Cupcake Candle, a small Scented Cupcake Candle, a mini wax melt burner, and a pack of wax melts all displayed in a lovely wooden box. These will be shipped ANYWHERE in the UK…and for the right price…anywhere in the world 😉 Keep an eye out and subscribe to my blog!

Thanks my loves. I know this article was a bit heavy. But unfortunately things aren’t always Cupcakes and sprinkles (no pun intended) 😣 but I’m working on it! EVERYDAY!

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Dreamcatchers and Unicorn Candles

Boho Chic Dreamcatcher

Since I’ve been on my spiritual awakening I’ve become aware again of all the things that I’d forgotten in my teenage years. My love and fascination of the spiritual world. Angels, spirit guides, crystal healing, synchronicities, and just all things that are in accordance with mysticism, nature, and pure love.

I’ve been collecting crystals, and using them to heal the darkest parts of my soul, to bring me in to pure light and true self love. This journey as you’ve heard me tell you already has been so difficult as I’ve had to strip away everything I’ve ever believed about myself and the world and slowly, painstakingly, put myself back together piece by piece. By listening to my soul, my identity is slowly showing itself day by day. And the dreams I’ve been having have been so incredibly vivid and really telling me so much about my life path. I don’t often have bad dreams. Thankfully. Most are just incredibly insightful. So I’ve hung my dream catchers above my bed to be sure to enhance my dreams even more!

As far as we know the dream catcher was first made by the Ojibwa Chippewa Native American tribe and were created to keep bad dreams at bay. The good dreams go through the centre of the web, whereas the bad dreams are caught within the weaves of the web. I wanted to incorporate my crystals into the design too as certain crystals aid with sleep and can help insomnia sufferers. As much as I love the traditional look of dream catchers, I wanted to add my own personal flair to them. My designs are whimsical, boho chic and just straight up gorgeous….I think you’ll agree! The tulle, and flowers add a touch of femininity too. And because I’m a crazy animal lover, all my dream catchers are vegan friendly, and the feathers are sourced from birds that have molted naturally. My mom is even collecting the feathers from her gorgeous little lovebird Apple. She’s yellow and orange and is constantly preening. My mom doesn’t have the heart to bin them, so she’s just been setting them all aside. I’ll be making one for her using Apple’s feathers.

Boho Chic Dreamcatcher

The dream catchers are 6 inches in diameter and can be custom made in any colours.  I’ll be adding some cream and neutral colours with groatie buckies too! They start from £36 and you can order your very own here! Also on the agenda this week has been my latest candle fragrance. Bubblegum!! The decorative lid is made to look like the very trendy unicorn cake, and I’m in love!! These are available here as well as at my stall at the Thurso Midsummer Madness from June 22nd-24th! I’ll be selling my cupcakes and other sweet treats there too!

Bubblegum Unicorn Candle

Next up!! Crystal healing candles 😍💕 🔮 Sending light and love,

C x