Hey my guys. How’s your mental health lately? I can’t be the only one going through this crazy slump of wallowing, self pity, and just straight up anxiety. Right?! And because Donut Eat Bakery was created to focus on my healing and mental health, I thought this would be the best place to off load my heart.
The past few weeks my dreams have been crazy vivid. This only happens when I’m going through either a spiritual downer, or a breakthrough. When I’m dreaming of embracing whales, or being near dolphins and water, then I know I need to listen to my soul and higher self. I’ve always known this. So when these dreams become quite frequent, I know I have to stop and assess my life.
The past few weeks I’ve been feeling more suicidal lately. Im not even sure that’s the word I want to use though. I’ve not felt like I’m going to actually go through with anything, but I have been feeling that I’m so damn over all these incessant thoughts and feelings. I have a constant headache from the tension I’m holding in the back of my neck, I’ve been questioning and analysing and over analysing every thought, word spoken, relationship I’ve had. Everything. These are the constant thoughts that fill my head…and you guys….it’s ALL THE TIME….examples of a full minute in my brain…
Why am I the way I am, what am I meant to be learning from this, if I stand my ground how is that being kind, but I need to be strong or I get walked all over, does he still love me, was I the only one, why did he lie about ‘insert potential lie here’ and why do I care? Is this even relevant, he doesn’t want to be in my life, does my dog need more snacks, omg she threw up, does she have cancer, it’s prevalent in boxers, fuck, my kids have not eaten enough today, but they’re fine, they’d tell me if they were hungry. God they need to eat more fruit and veg. I’m a terrible mother. Why does Kyle even want to be with me. He’s such a good man, I’m too fat for him. Ugh what will I do for dinner tomorrow. Do I even want to be a baker anymore? I’m over it. It’s so hard. Fuck I love my husband, I don’t deserve him. Yes I do! I’m worth it. He’s lucky to have me. I have so much to do tomorrow but I need to clean the house first. I need to pick up the Tesco shop. Shit did I order enough flour? I’m sure I did. I need to read more. I can’t read until my space is completely clean though. I’m going to do that before I start anything. I’m going to live with this guilt forever, I wish I could be just diagnosed with this ADHD, maybe then I can relax. I really want to change my bedding tonight, but I haven’t shaved my legs. And I like it to coincide…but I’ll do it tomorrow. But I need to shower now, and my legs are WILD. Who cares though, no one will see it. Kyle doesn’t care. Does he? Am I sexier without leg hair. Fuck. The dog just farted, I think she’s sick, this isn’t right. I should’ve weeded the garden today. I have a cake being picked up tomorrow though…will I get up at 530…yes. I’ll set my alarm. I really should’ve done my workout but surely 2 shifts makes up for a couple of workouts. This neighbourhood is getting worse. Are my kids safe. Am I spoiling my kids? I really shouldn’t let Hayden swear, but she’s a good girl. She’s not hurting anyone. IS she actually autistic i think she is, is she going to be ok? …If I just shut everyone out will the noise in my head stop too. I would love to delete all my accounts. Maybe I just need a good cry. But I did that yesterday and it did nothing. Why can’t I be normal! If I didn’t exist, this wouldn’t even be an issue. My kids would never forgive me. Fuck this shit. Nothing will make this work. I haven’t sent money in a while…I’m sorry. They don’t even care, ugh but I do…Dammit! I will send more. I need to get my candles out to the gift shop…tomorrow. Etc etc etc
And so on, and so forth. In my head. All THE TIME. Random, infuriating, shit. Coming in from all over the place. Chaos. Fleeting, exhausting, and unavoidable. I just want it to go away.
But it doesn’t. Ever.
So what am I actually meant to do?
The Dr. I saw who was asking me questions to determine wether or not I had ADHD, manic depression, or bipolar asked if I heard voices…yeah all the time, but just my own. Countless times in a minute I hear my own voice in my head. And we laughed about it, because what else do you do. It’s there. It’s always been there…and luckily, throughout it all. I have a very good sense of humour. And I think that’s a blessing, otherwise I dread to think where I would be if I couldn’t also laugh at myself.
Annnd saying all this, I am definitely moving forward with my candles too. I’m doing all my photography shoots for each fragrance and having some fun with them too. My friend convinced me to work with him at the Drive Thu Starbucks in Inverness, and I agreed to just one shift a week. It’s busy, it’s fun, and my co workers are fab. It’s just a barista position so I have no responsibilities (I really don’t need any more) and I’m having fun. Because that’s what it HAS to be about. My co worker makes some beautiful latte art and made this gorgeous flat white to bring out the best of my latest candle, ‘Cafe au Lait’ in my Cupcake Candle, New Orleans Range. You can purchase it here, or on my Etsy page! Thanks for reading my loves, until next time. Sending you all the love and light I can muster