Guilt, Shame, Love, and MacramΓ©

The over thinker in me is struggling so much in this world right now. I’m in CONSTANT guilt mode. It’s actually debilitating. I feel guilt about the kind of wife I am, what I feed my kids, what I let them watch, how much time they’re spending indoors. I feel guilt every time I bake a damn cake and it’s not vegan. I feel guilt working at a huge coffee chain and seeing the amount of milk we use, rubbish we discard, and food we sometimes waste.

I feel guilty for every feeling I have that I’m ‘not supposed’ to have. And it’s mentally and physically draining. I honestly don’t know how to deal anymore. I’ve lost so much passion for just about everything. And I don’t want to feel like this. But then the guilt also makes me realise that it’s better than being numb all the time. Because I’ve been feeling a lot of that lately too. And it’s all just far too much for one person to bear. And the problem is I don’t actually have anyone to talk to. Not really. Not anyone that can truly understand what I’m going through. The ones that do understand…they have enough of their own shit to deal with. They don’t need to be burdened with my struggles too. So I write. I write because it’s therapeutic and I get so much out that sometimes I don’t know I’ve been holding back, it makes me re read so I can figure out what I need to do, where I need to ‘fix’ things. It also makes me say no. No to taking that extra cake order on, no to being walked all over, no to going out when all I want to do it stay in and sleep. No for doing anything that doesn’t resonate with my soul.

But also I’m very grateful for what I do have. I have people in my life that truly love me. People that I question their love for me, but my anxiety tells me it’s not true, that I can’t possibly be worthy of their love (I know you love me πŸ”₯πŸ”₯ ..I do) , I have the most amazing children, that have such beautiful hearts, even though they can be so mean at times (they’re human too) and I’m blessed with having enough. Enough food, enough money, and enough love. I even feel guilt and shame for having anxiety and depression because I have ENOUGH. I have MORE than enough. But a part of my soul is not with me, it’s missing in a sense, and until I can get that sorted, I’m afraid that all the enough…will never be just enough. Oh trust me, I know how all this sounds πŸ™ˆπŸ˜œ

So read if you want, take from it what you want, or totally skim through it if you prefer. I’m just doing me, the best way I know how. I’m just trying to get by the best way I know how. So if this resonates with you at all, it simply means you’re not alone. And there’s a lot of comfort in that. It also means that if you need to reach out, please do so. There’s a lot of love in this heart too.

These past few days have been about reading soulful books, taking long hot baths, meditating, sleeping, and just being more present.

I’d love to say I’m working on some new projects. But to be honest. I’m just tired. I don’t have it in me just yet. I have lots of ideas, and planning a lot of projects, they just haven’t come to fruition yet. But bear with me, they will come.

I have been making macrame lately. I love it because it’s very therapeutic. It keeps my hands busy, it’s 100% natural. And it looks gorgeous when made in to wall hangings, plant holders, etc.

I’m selling these plant holders at the moment for Β£12 here. I’m so in to the boho chic look right now. I’m going to macrame the shit out of my house , just you wait πŸ˜‚ Funny how it’s all coming back! I remember these all over the place as a kid. I’m glad they’ve made a comeback. I do think it’s a much prettier comeback. More to do with the colour scheme of the back thens πŸ˜‚ yes I know my wall is pink, but also, I love a colourful house. Yellow hallways, pink living room, and a lavender bathroom. It’s much prettier than I’m making it sound 😜 But the colours bring me contented ness, and it balances out my current play list which mainly consists of Billie Eilish. So it works πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Anyway, the macrame department will get bigger once I finish my grocery bag, wall hangings, and even a little hanging shelf!

So stay tuned πŸ₯°