I’ve been told my entire life that I’m ‘so sensitive’. Said in such a way that I felt like there was something wrong with me. Like it was a weakness. Because I felt things more than others. Over the years I started hardening my heart a little. Yes I would still cry in just about every film I ever watched, but I built a wall and tried to fight the sensitivity. I found myself becoming more hostile, angry, and intolerant. And then when things get really bad in my head. I shut down. I still do that. I become much less talkative…which says a LOT. I isolate myself from friends and family, and I hide.
My mind refuses to turn off lately. I’ve been getting crazy anxiety, I’ve been worrying about EVERYTHING and I just can’t shut it down. And now….I have a mini version of that at home. Although both my children are very sensitive (thankfully!)…Hayden is extremely so. And every so often I see my 8 year old self in her. She feels so so much, that I think sometimes her little soul can’t take it anymore. And my goodness she can be MEAN! She’s quite the philosopher, is questioning the ways of the world ALL the time, and she gets so angry when things don’t make sense in her head. Things like having to eat her pizza at school lunch with a knife and fork. I mean….she gets ANGRY, and you know what…she has a point! We don’t eat our sandwiches with a knife and fork so I’m on her side with this ALL THE WAY. She’s a people pleaser, and when she comes home from school, a good day is when she’s made the teacher proud. And I adore that, but sometimes I wish that she didn’t care so much what people think. She overthinks. She asks questions like ‘what’s the point in being born if people are just going to boss you around the whole time’, why in the world do we have to do maths when it’s just silly and I’ll never need to know it, and why do I need to go to school to learn stupid things.
These past couple of weeks has been a really rough one for me. I’ve been really really struggling with my purpose, my ambitions and what exactly I’m supposed to be doing in this crazy world. And then I see the way my daughter is, and I realise that if I weren’t here anymore…she would struggle. Don’t get me wrong. Kyle is MORE than enough. He’s an incredible dad. So supportive and understanding of our children. But lately when I get those very dark thoughts. I think of how my babies would be. And I know they’d be so much worse without me. Because I was that child. I can empathise fully, and I know how to handle it.
Just today my little boy gave me the biggest kiss and cuddle jumped into my arms and while he squeezed the life out of me he said ‘Mum, I love you so much, I don’t even know what to do! I just want to kiss you and cuddle you!! I love you FOREVER!’ And sometimes that’s all it takes to make me stop, think about my hurts…and realise that I would DESTROY them if I went through with my thoughts. Those babies need their momma so much. And you know what? I need them. I need to teach them how to use their empathic powers for the good of the world. To teach them how to be humble, and kind, and giving. I’m so very proud of them. Because although they can be ABSOLUTE SHITS, we’ll be sure to raise some decent human beings. Even though their mom has done some awful things in her life. It’s a reminder that I’m human too…and I’m not infallible….and that’s ok. Because I’m trying every single day. And they won’t be perfect all the time…and that’s ok too. Because how else do we learn?
*edit* I initially wrote this blog weeks ago. And I was struggling, so much. This past week I’ve been in such a good place. It’s been a good week, but I’ve decided to blog this anyway, because this blog is for me. It’s a diary of sorts that will help me, and hopefully others too that are going through a dark period in their life. So I’ll be publishing more blogs that are about my journey, rather than promoting my products, because sometimes. I just need to write ❤️ I know I just published a blog yesterday and right now, I’m in a good place. I really am. I’m hopeful. And these blogs are never meant to be dark, and sad, and soul destroying. If anything, my intention for them is to be the complete opposite! Express yourselves, talk and have the hard conversations. We need to. The world needs more acceptance, and we could all use a little more understanding. There’s no judging here. Ever! Because we’re all a little bit weird…right?! 🤷🏻♀️❤️