*Edit- I initially wrote this blog about 3 months ago and never hit publish. I was re reading it today and realised that I’ve been overthinking my posts too….and that this is my blog, where I get to write out my thoughts and feelings and I’m going to publish each and every post I make. I have a few that have been left because I was perhaps feeling a bit vulnerable.. and though my meds make me so sleepy (I’ve had to start taking them at night so as to not sleep all day) they’re definitely helping. Although I’ve had a few relapses….I think that’s to be expected…*
Hey my guys, literally a tough pill to swallow here, but I’ve had to go back on my anti depressants. I’ve been fighting it for so long, because stupidly I was letting my ego get in the way, where I should have been listening to my intuition…(I’m kinda good at ignoring my higher self 🙄) I wanted to meditate, I wanted to do it all naturally. But our good pal Greg…kinda forced me to see a doctor. Don’t get me wrong. Kyle I’m sure was just as worried…but he also knows I’m a big girl, and making an appointment with the doctor isn’t something that I should just be doing for my children’s medical needs. Sometimes I need to be brave and take care of me too. But guys, adulting is the shits…and I struggle with doing the not so fun stuff. But Greg came round for coffee and he started asking questions…the hard questions. Then he MADE me schedule an appointment and he was going to check in to make sure I had…and y’all I’m not about to disappoint Greg 😏 so I did. Make the appointment I mean…And although I don’t WANT to be back on meds…I also want to feel ok again. And I want my babies to have a less sad mom. And I want to feel like myself again. Whatever that means 😉
As sad as I am…I’m also one of the most optimistic and happy people that I know. It’s sounds insane. Trust me. I realise this. And although there are MANY days when I look in to my future and see nothing but good things, there are also more days than I’d like where I see nothing but defeat. I see hatred, greed, and just a world where I feel like I don’t belong. And I just want to go home. Not home as in Canada, or even South Africa for that matter. But HOME. And those days scare me. Because although I don’t fear death. AT ALL. I fear for my children. I fear that if I leave them behind in this messy world, then I’ve failed them completely.
I tried a few things before I went to see the docs. I got a job. A job outside of my businesses making cakes and candles. I got a job that I had about 14 years ago that I swore I’d return to one day.
I worked for a very short time in Richmond as a Barista for Starbucks. And let me tell you, of ALL the jobs I’ve had (and I’ve had MANY) Starbucks was hands down one of my favourites. So I went for an interview and I got a job as a shift supervisor. So for the past 3 months I’ve been learning and re learning all the things. And I LOVE it!!! It’s such a fantastic and rewarding job. It gets my mind off things, the shitty, scary things. And all I need to do is focus on the job at hand. My co workers are all such a joy to work with…well mostly 🤪and I couldn’t ask for a more decent and fun manager. Although I’ve only been there a few short months, I feel like I’ve been apart of the team for YEARS!
And the doctor was AMAZING! Seriously, hands down, one of the best doctors I’ve had in the UK so far. He actually cared. He asked questions, the hard questions. He didn’t want to just know the thoughts I was having and how he could treat them. He wanted to understand. And that felt so good. It felt so good knowing that a doctor actually cared about a patient’s well being, instead of just writing a quick prescription and being done with it.
I’m hoping I won’t be on the meds for too long, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it either. I’m going to make sure I get better, that I get the help I need, and that I start living in a way that my soul will progress. I’m an incredibly impatient person, so this is why I’m struggling so much too. But also, it’s a huge lesson in learning how to slow down, and enjoy this gift of life that I’ve been given. Because this life truly is a gift. And I know I’m here for a reason, and that reason hasn’t made itself super clear to me. I’m definitely getting better at listening 🥰