You’re so sensitive!

I’ve been told my entire life that I’m ‘so sensitive’. Said in such a way that I felt like there was something wrong with me. Like it was a weakness. Because I felt things more than others. Over the years I started hardening my heart a little. Yes I would still cry in just about every film I ever watched, but I built a wall and tried to fight the sensitivity. I found myself becoming more hostile, angry, and intolerant. And then when things get really bad in my head. I shut down. I still do that. I become much less talkative…which says a LOT. I isolate myself from friends and family, and I hide.

My mind refuses to turn off lately. I’ve been getting crazy anxiety, I’ve been worrying about EVERYTHING and I just can’t shut it down. And now….I have a mini version of that at home. Although both my children are very sensitive (thankfully!)…Hayden is extremely so. And every so often I see my 8 year old self in her. She feels so so much, that I think sometimes her little soul can’t take it anymore. And my goodness she can be MEAN! She’s quite the philosopher, is questioning the ways of the world ALL the time, and she gets so angry when things don’t make sense in her head. Things like having to eat her pizza at school lunch with a knife and fork. I mean….she gets ANGRY, and you know what…she has a point! We don’t eat our sandwiches with a knife and fork so I’m on her side with this ALL THE WAY. She’s a people pleaser, and when she comes home from school, a good day is when she’s made the teacher proud. And I adore that, but sometimes I wish that she didn’t care so much what people think. She overthinks. She asks questions like ‘what’s the point in being born if people are just going to boss you around the whole time’, why in the world do we have to do maths when it’s just silly and I’ll never need to know it, and why do I need to go to school to learn stupid things.

These past couple of weeks has been a really rough one for me. I’ve been really really struggling with my purpose, my ambitions and what exactly I’m supposed to be doing in this crazy world. And then I see the way my daughter is, and I realise that if I weren’t here anymore…she would struggle. Don’t get me wrong. Kyle is MORE than enough. He’s an incredible dad. So supportive and understanding of our children. But lately when I get those very dark thoughts. I think of how my babies would be. And I know they’d be so much worse without me. Because I was that child. I can empathise fully, and I know how to handle it.

Just today my little boy gave me the biggest kiss and cuddle jumped into my arms and while he squeezed the life out of me he said ‘Mum, I love you so much, I don’t even know what to do! I just want to kiss you and cuddle you!! I love you FOREVER!’ And sometimes that’s all it takes to make me stop, think about my hurts…and realise that I would DESTROY them if I went through with my thoughts. Those babies need their momma so much. And you know what? I need them. I need to teach them how to use their empathic powers for the good of the world. To teach them how to be humble, and kind, and giving. I’m so very proud of them. Because although they can be ABSOLUTE SHITS, we’ll be sure to raise some decent human beings. Even though their mom has done some awful things in her life. It’s a reminder that I’m human too…and I’m not infallible….and that’s ok. Because I’m trying every single day. And they won’t be perfect all the time…and that’s ok too. Because how else do we learn?

*edit* I initially wrote this blog weeks ago. And I was struggling, so much. This past week I’ve been in such a good place. It’s been a good week, but I’ve decided to blog this anyway, because this blog is for me. It’s a diary of sorts that will help me, and hopefully others too that are going through a dark period in their life. So I’ll be publishing more blogs that are about my journey, rather than promoting my products, because sometimes. I just need to write ❀️ I know I just published a blog yesterday and right now, I’m in a good place. I really am. I’m hopeful. And these blogs are never meant to be dark, and sad, and soul destroying. If anything, my intention for them is to be the complete opposite! Express yourselves, talk and have the hard conversations. We need to. The world needs more acceptance, and we could all use a little more understanding. There’s no judging here. Ever! Because we’re all a little bit weird…right?! πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈβ€οΈ

Back on the pills πŸ’Š

*Edit- I initially wrote this blog about 3 months ago and never hit publish. I was re reading it today and realised that I’ve been overthinking my posts too….and that this is my blog, where I get to write out my thoughts and feelings and I’m going to publish each and every post I make. I have a few that have been left because I was perhaps feeling a bit vulnerable.. and though my meds make me so sleepy (I’ve had to start taking them at night so as to not sleep all day) they’re definitely helping. Although I’ve had a few relapses….I think that’s to be expected…*

Hey my guys, literally a tough pill to swallow here, but I’ve had to go back on my anti depressants. I’ve been fighting it for so long, because stupidly I was letting my ego get in the way, where I should have been listening to my intuition…(I’m kinda good at ignoring my higher self πŸ™„) I wanted to meditate, I wanted to do it all naturally. But our good pal Greg…kinda forced me to see a doctor. Don’t get me wrong. Kyle I’m sure was just as worried…but he also knows I’m a big girl, and making an appointment with the doctor isn’t something that I should just be doing for my children’s medical needs. Sometimes I need to be brave and take care of me too. But guys, adulting is the shits…and I struggle with doing the not so fun stuff. But Greg came round for coffee and he started asking questions…the hard questions. Then he MADE me schedule an appointment and he was going to check in to make sure I had…and y’all I’m not about to disappoint Greg 😏 so I did. Make the appointment I mean…And although I don’t WANT to be back on meds…I also want to feel ok again. And I want my babies to have a less sad mom. And I want to feel like myself again. Whatever that means πŸ˜‰

As sad as I am…I’m also one of the most optimistic and happy people that I know. It’s sounds insane. Trust me. I realise this. And although there are MANY days when I look in to my future and see nothing but good things, there are also more days than I’d like where I see nothing but defeat. I see hatred, greed, and just a world where I feel like I don’t belong. And I just want to go home. Not home as in Canada, or even South Africa for that matter. But HOME. And those days scare me. Because although I don’t fear death. AT ALL. I fear for my children. I fear that if I leave them behind in this messy world, then I’ve failed them completely.

I tried a few things before I went to see the docs. I got a job. A job outside of my businesses making cakes and candles. I got a job that I had about 14 years ago that I swore I’d return to one day.

I worked for a very short time in Richmond as a Barista for Starbucks. And let me tell you, of ALL the jobs I’ve had (and I’ve had MANY) Starbucks was hands down one of my favourites. So I went for an interview and I got a job as a shift supervisor. So for the past 3 months I’ve been learning and re learning all the things. And I LOVE it!!! It’s such a fantastic and rewarding job. It gets my mind off things, the shitty, scary things. And all I need to do is focus on the job at hand. My co workers are all such a joy to work with…well mostly πŸ€ͺand I couldn’t ask for a more decent and fun manager. Although I’ve only been there a few short months, I feel like I’ve been apart of the team for YEARS!

And the doctor was AMAZING! Seriously, hands down, one of the best doctors I’ve had in the UK so far. He actually cared. He asked questions, the hard questions. He didn’t want to just know the thoughts I was having and how he could treat them. He wanted to understand. And that felt so good. It felt so good knowing that a doctor actually cared about a patient’s well being, instead of just writing a quick prescription and being done with it.

I’m hoping I won’t be on the meds for too long, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it either. I’m going to make sure I get better, that I get the help I need, and that I start living in a way that my soul will progress. I’m an incredibly impatient person, so this is why I’m struggling so much too. But also, it’s a huge lesson in learning how to slow down, and enjoy this gift of life that I’ve been given. Because this life truly is a gift. And I know I’m here for a reason, and that reason hasn’t made itself super clear to me. I’m definitely getting better at listening πŸ₯°

Valentine’s Day! And all the fuss πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈβ€οΈπŸ€ͺ😏

Hey my guys, I was going to introduce a new Valentine’s Day Scent…but instead got far too hyped up about Easter. I know, but when you’ve got Easter Eggs staring you down every single aisle in Tesco…Valentine’s Day is kinda left out. Until the week before that is!

I’m not a big celebrant of VDay anyway. I don’t like the hype, I don’t like what it stands for anymore….and to be honest, I’d rather receive a bouquet of flowers on any other day of the year….because then I KNOW that it’s more from the heart than a ‘well Hallmark says I should soooo…’ But I’m a total hypocrite too…because I love seeing all the cutesy love hearts, cakes, and chocolates everywhere. It makes me smile….so what I’m saying in a very roundabout way is that I’ll leave Valentine’s Day to Hallmark….. (although I’m not about to turn down an order for some cute Valentine’s Day cupcakes either) πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‚

I jumped ahead and ordered some adorable labels from my supplier, and concocted a vanilla and chocolate fragrance….did a bit of clay work and voila!

My Cream Egg Candle was born….and ain’t she something else?! I’m undecided on whether I’ll only have these available at Easter…or all year round. What do you guys think?!! I’d love to hear your thoughts. I don’t think many of you heard about my Buy One Get One Free Promo, so I’ll keep that on my website. Any candle from my cupcake range while quantities last including this new Fragrance. Click this link to order yours today. The offer will be automatically applied at the checkout. Thanks my loves. If you need me, I’ll be making candles….and brownies….or Brownie Candles!! πŸ€”πŸ˜πŸ™ŒπŸ» Stay tuned….I’m always experimenting

Sending love and light πŸ’•