Lately I’ve realised just exactly why depression is such a taboo subject. When you wear your heart on your sleeve, people actually don’t want to hear about it. As much as they say they do…I’m really not sure how much of that is true. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what to say or do. Maybe they think we’re being too dramatic. But the feeling of despair that runs so deep, FEELS ridiculously dramatic. People get angry, because we have our children to think about so how dare we have suicidal thoughts…but sometimes even that doesn’t feel like it’s enough. That out babies would be truly better off without such a sad mom. I wake up EVERY SINGLE MORNING with anxiety. A feeling that my whole world is crashing down around me…and I feel like throwing up, then I feel like closing my eyes again and just sleeping forever. And every morning I find the strength to take on the day. Most times this feeling dissipates within a couple of hours. Sometimes within minutes. Sometimes, on the bad days, the feeling lasts ALL day. Those are the days that nothing gets done. That I only leave the house when I absolutely have to. I do the absolute minimum to just survive. And lately I have been a bit more quiet than usual. Because keeping quiet and putting on a smile and a brave face, means everyone just gets on with it and isn’t worrying about me. Sometimes ‘I’m fine’ is easier. I prefer it that way. Some days…all it takes is my best friend. My rock. My first friend in Canada. Reema is my other half. She’s a sister, a confidante, and she knows every cringeworthy, embarrassing, and soulful secret about me. This woman knows my deepest, darkest secrets that I’ve never told ANYONE! And I’m pretty sure the only way you would ever find she’d talk is to threaten and torture her. And even then I think you’d struggle. She’s loyal like that.
(Reems 3rd from the left and me at the end circa 2001) ?! That date on the photo is very wrong!
Reema came into my life, or rather I was thrown into hers in February of 1994. I was just 9 years old and very new to Richmond (a suburb of Vancouver). I started at Westwind Elementary in Grade 3 in Mrs Lum’s class. Reema hated my big writing, and the fact that I used funny words like ‘rubber’ instead of ‘eraser’. I’m not sure how we found ourselves in each others pocket’s but we did and very soon after that we were inseparable.
We spent all of our time together, and what’s more we were complete opposites. Reema loved her rap music, I was a pop/country girl. While she tried getting me to listen to Tupac, I was trying to get her to appreciate Celine Dione….and I actually succeeded! 💪🙌🏻 She LOVED shopping and would drag me to the mall, I HATED it (especially after she’d buy something and return it the next day…something I’ve learned she STILL does!) Reema loved going out and clubbing. I’d rather stay in with a good book. But we enjoyed each others company and we laughed together. A LOT! Reema is pretty much the only person that could get me to pee myself from laughing too much….and I’ve discovered just in her last visit here that she’s still got that skill. I find myself bursting out laughing when I’m by myself when I see a meme that reminds me of her or if I have random memory that includes her.
I’m writing this while totally jet lagged. I’ve been up for over an hour, I’ve tried meditating because my heart is breaking today. I tend to write more when I’m feeling really low, but sometimes it’s because I’m so excited. Today unfortunately is not one of those days. Today my anxiety is through the roof. I can feel a ball of fire in the pit of my belly, and it starts to rise up to my chest and then to my oesophagus, where I actually wonder if this is perhaps what a dragon might feel like to breathe fire. Except for a dragon it’s normal….but then again. Anxiety is somewhat normal for me too. Although breathing fire would make for so much more fun 😏(I’m thinking S’mores! 🙌🏻) Today I know where my anxiety stems from. That helps. It helps because I can come to terms with it better, I can confront the person or scenario head on. And to be honest, I don’t do confrontation. I’d rather another person see me as weak and stupid and a fool than bring them down too. Despite my depression, I still have so much love in this heart of mine. Sometimes I wish I could harden it. So I don’t feel so deeply. It’s just one of my many flaws. Which I don’t apologise for anymore. This is me.
I’m actually in Vancouver now. I’m staying with my best friend. And to be honest, I’m so grateful for that. Because this anxiety could’ve turned ugly if it weren’t for her.
Lately, when I’ve been feeling so desolate and alone, and the depression hits a real low. I go to Reems. Because in a matter of 5 minutes she reminds me exactly why I’m here. She has me laughing through the tears and doubt, and just like that, I’m fixed….until the next time. I know she doesn’t understand where I’m coming from completely. I get it. I never understood depression until I got a taste of it myself. And I can NEVER judge anyone again. I always used to assume that people who took their own lives were cowards or selfish. I couldn’t have been more wrong, because now that I’ve experienced the pain that comes with it first hand, you’d do anything to make it go away. You’d do anything to save hurting anyone. The drugs work for some time. They numb you to the point that you don’t feel anything. And sometimes not feeling is much worse than feeling too much. So to anyone suffering with depression, I want you to know that you’re not broken. You will find your place, eventually. No one will ever FULLY understand what you’re going through. Unless they’ve been through it themselves. And even then…everyone’s journey is so very unique.
Most days I find myself diving head first in to my work. Creating gives me a sense of purpose. I get excited and I look forward to the future. Most days I feel optimistic. Insanely optimistic. I’ve got a beautiful life. A husband that (even though we’re going through a very ‘rough’ patch in our marriage…it’s never been a question about not having enough love) is a constant support, two beautiful children, a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies. And every morning when I wake up feeling lost. I remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life, and how grateful I am for everything. How LUCKY I am. So
I’m here. I want to listen, and I want to help. And to my Reems. Thank you for bringing that sunshine in to my life. When it all get so tough, I know I can count on you when it feels like everyone else has given up on me. (I know they haven’t….it just feels that way). I love you so much. I’m so glad we found our way back in to each others lives!
On a side note guys! My candles have been doing so well! I have them for sale at Eye Candy in Thurso, and on my online shop. At the end of the month I will take 10% of the sales and donate it to Mind.co.uk to help others going through depression. Please keep a lookout for my gift baskets that I will be selling. Each basket will include a Large scented Cupcake Candle, a small Scented Cupcake Candle, a mini wax melt burner, and a pack of wax melts all displayed in a lovely wooden box. These will be shipped ANYWHERE in the UK…and for the right price…anywhere in the world 😉 Keep an eye out and subscribe to my blog!
Thanks my loves. I know this article was a bit heavy. But unfortunately things aren’t always Cupcakes and sprinkles (no pun intended) 😣 but I’m working on it! EVERYDAY!