It’s been a crazy week of cakes and it’s the start of the summer holidays, so I’m looking forward to just going with the flow, no set routine, sleeping in (who am I kidding, my children are ridiculously early risers) and going on mini adventures.
I’m feeling fantastic. I’m feeling rejuvenated, peaceful and content. I haven’t had this feeling in a long time and my goodness it feels great!
When I get to really low points in my life, I escape. Usually in the form of reading. (Sometimes by literally jumping on a plane to get the hell out….watch out for me next blog post 😉 ) For me, reading has ALWAYS been a huge part of my life. Ever since I learned how to read, my nose has been in a book. (Probably why my favourite Disney Princess is Belle, nothing to do with falling head over heels for an animal, I can assure you!)…Books are the one place that I always look for answers to everything, regardless of if it’s fact or fiction.
When I was (running) away home in Vancouver I picked up a book called ‘Your Sacred Self’ by Wayne Dyer. It’s been literally life changing. I put it down for a while as my head was in such a bad space that I even found it difficult to focus on a book. I picked it up again in the last few days and my soul has become so much lighter.
I feel like this is a book that regardless of what state of mind you’re in, you’ll be able to benefit. It’s about letting go of all the negative energy and embracing everything in your life that seems to bring you down. It’s about finding personal freedom, It’s about knowing that you’re loved and that you’re worth it and that we all have a higher purpose. Its about putting good vibes out to the universe so as to manifest what you want out of life. And it works!
Just a few days ago I was thinking about how I needed to get myself more wine, but I couldn’t justify going to the shops just for a bottle….literally 2 hours later my friend showed up unexpectedly with my favourite bottle of red, true story! See?! Works 😉
All joking aside though, it’s a must read! It’s helped me immensely. I don’t know about you but when you get married and have kids, people always tell you not to lose yourself. And you thank them politely and tell them you’ll be sure not to etc etc….and then after 8years of marriage, 2 kids, you wakeup one day and realise that you don’t recognise the face in the mirror anymore. Everything about your life is not how you saw yourself when you were growing up….or it’s EXACTLY what you saw and now you’re FREAKING out because it’s not actually what you thought it would be and now you’re trapped and suffocating, trying to please everyone and you’re drowning! Just me? Nope, didn’t think so.
Reinventing yourself…or rediscovering yourself (probably more appropriate), is a lot harder than it should be. One day you’re too scared what people will think if all of a sudden you have a major wardrobe change…and it takes quite sometime to realise that what other people think of has absolutely nothing to do with you. Now I wear my cupcake leggings with confidence, and have a pair of donut and unicorn ones on order. Because they make me feel good wearing them, my daughter loves it when I wear them and if they make me happy I’m going to do it!
I realised that it was when I hit my 30’s that I started going through this identity crisis. I don’t think 32 is old AT ALL, but wow, where did 32 (almost 33) years go?! That makes me realise how short life really is, and if I’m going to worry today about what someone thinks of my wardrobe or my bright red lipstick, what’s the point of it all? If I’m not doing what makes me happy, what is really the point of it all? I’ve been noticing the little things in my life lately, especially pastimes I used to really enjoy. Things I’ve forgotten about myself and realise that these things are still very much apart of who I am, and who I want to be.
So I’ve written a bucket list and I keep adding to it. Places I’ve wanted to go since I was a little girl (like Copenhagen) and skills I want to learn (Sign Language), courses I’d like to take (hypnotherapy) and cook books I’d like to complete. Just today I was in the mood for cooking, I’d forgotten how much I actually love to cook. I was convinced I hated it but I only hated the routine of having to figure out what to make for dinner everyday, what the kids will like and actually eat, and time always seems to be an issue. So while my babies were playing beautifully together, I cooked up a storm. I made Chicken Balti, Coconut Green Beans, Saag Paneer, fresh Naan and a gorgeous red onion salad. I loved every minute of it, from using my mortar and pestle to grind the spices to slicing clove upon clove of garlic. I felt so at peace. Another few recipes from The Hairy Biker’s Cookbook checked off the list too
From now I’m going to live the life that I want to live, and if that means strange looks across the way, I’ll embrace it, because guaranteed in a week, in a day, in an hour….that sideways glance won’t even matter anymore. If I want to have a night out or go on a trip to London all by myself, I’m going to do it without the guilt. Because this is my life too, and I refuse to wait around for my life to start happening. Because it’s now. I know I’ll be judged, but you know what? I’ll always be judged…and as long as I’m not the one doing the judging….I’m totally ok with that. Life is far too short. If I want something out of life, I’m going for it. I refuse to let anyone or anything stand in my way anymore. I’ve lived my whole life living for others, and that will NEVER change but I’m tired of forgetting about myself in the process.
This in itself has brought me insurmountable peace. I now know that I don’t NEED anyone to make me happy, my happiness is within me. I’m going to live my truth. I have a Gypsy Soul and I’m not going to run from that. It’s who I am, and I love who I am. Every complicated, beautiful, crazy little bit of me.