Just this morning, after waking up with that stomach full of dread, I got my coffee and started going through my daughter’s school bag looking for her hair tie. This child of mine is quite the artiste so I was raking through piles of her drawings. Then I came across her spelling book, the one that she’s been doing all her tests in throughout the year. I just gave it a quick skim through and then the last 2 pages was like a punch in the gut! 3/9 and 0/9?!
I checked the dates and realised it was just in the last couple of weeks and I was appalled! Not at my child, at myself! I’d let her down, big time. She’s usually very good at her spelling, more than likely because I make the effort and actually sit down with her and do her homework. Part of me rationalises it with the fact that summer holidays are just around the corner and we’re all tired and need a break from the routine but the other part of me hates to admit it, but AGAIN I was putting my own feelings ahead of anyone else’s.
My sweet little girl who absolutely hates disappointing anyone and really takes it to heart when she doesn’t do well on tests. And her momma failed her. Another moment of clarity. (See last blog post) I can’t tell you how angry I got at myself. I’m still furious! In a way it needed to happen, because what a slap in the face it was. I gave myself a huge talking to. It went something along the lines of ‘Carrie, get your f@&£kg s@&!t together! These babies need you! Stop feeling sorry for yourself, start adulting and be the mother you know you’re capable of being’ because guys, I’m a pretty awesome mother. I’m a hot mess 99% of the time, but I know how to care for and love my children pretty damn well.
So basically starting today I’m making the desicion to not allow this depression to get the best of me. Am I going to have those days that I feel like I can’t function? More than likely, and on those days I’ll let myself feel the pain….but I’m not going to allow myself to wallow in self pity. Today I’m going to get my workout done (which I’ve been putting off for far too long) I’m going to get the 6 cakes baked that I have to decorate this week and I’m going to make sure that when my babies get home from school I give them my 100%. Because that’s part of my purpose right now. To raise those beautiful souls to be caring, loving, strong, and selfless individuals. To teach them that this ugly depression is not going to take over my life so completely that I can’t be there for them completely. Because depression does not and will not define me.
In hindsight, I’m so thankful for that 0/9 spelling test. Because I’ve got my big girl panties hiked up (are you loving that mental image 😂) and I’m gonna kill this adulting thing! 💪
My children deserve that much ❤️
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