Another blog post already? I hear you saying….yeah well, I’m still just so excited y’all! (I totally put on a Southern twang there)
I feel like I’m coming on in leaps and bounds already with my new business, I’ve had more orders than I anticipated in the first week so that’s always a good sign.
I also wanted to touch base on my last blog. It was heavy..and it gets heavier… but I promise, these blogs will have their happy moments too.
Because mostly I’m a pretty optimistic and kinda fun person. I swear. I know how to laugh at myself and definitely don’t take my self too seriously at all. My kids have even labelled me as the ‘fun’ parent. YAS!! #momgoals. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets me in trouble….a lot! I’ve always been this way, I had a friend recently tell me that I was emotionally high maintenance and I laughed because I could tell she was trying not to offend me, but bless her heart I’ve always known this about myself. My poor daughter has inherited this from me. ‘Poor’ daughter, because she’s in for some MAJOR heartbreak. But if she’s anything like her momma, she’s a tough soul and I will ALWAYS urge her to love with her whole being, love with a fierce passion and love EVERYONE regardless of the pain that she might endure from it. Because I can’t think of anthing more wonderful than loving someone with everything you are!….
So erm, I’m gonna put this out there…I actually detest drama. I avoid it when I can and because I always give everybody the benefit of doubt, I’m kinda not even fun to gossip with…but I digress…
I apparently became that drama queen. To a very close friend. I didn’t realise it. To me I was just hurting, and felt that because they were going through something similar, they’d understand my cries for help. In my pain, I didn’t stop to think about how this other person was being affected. I understand now that they’re trying really hard to deal with their own pain and feelings and emotions and I became so self absorbed with my own struggles and feelings that I disregarded theirs entirely! And that was wrong. They saw it as me being insenstitive and manipulative. Myself being an empath and an extremely sensitive person, this cut me to the core! I was so upset, then I got angry, at them, for shutting me out when I needed them most…and then I had to breathe and actually listen to what my friend was saying. And although it was really tough love on their part, they had a good point. I kept saying these things like how I was ready to end my life and just pack it all in and then not getting the help I needed. Of course I was wearing them thin. I got crap for not getting therapy, for not changing my medication if it wasn’t helping, etc etc. I was being clingy and needy (Ew!!) Part of me was so angry because guys, this depression is all very new to me. How the heck did I know what to do, what to expect and how to manage these feelings? When I finally decided it was time to see a doctor 6 months ago, therapy wasn’t even brought up. And although I completely am all about using therapy, I was trying to do it all myself. Trying to meditate, (which actually is amazing) trying to be strong. And failing miserably. I just wish that instead of shutting me out my friend would have just suggested this in the first place. Is this on them? Absolutely not. I’m owning my shitty behaviour and I have nothing but love in my heart for this person. It just goes to show how different people react in different ways. Maybe I needed to be told like that….it worked. I have my first therapy session on Monday. I just urge anyone going through this to please get the help you need. Depression ruins relationships, it cause resentment, anger, hurt and heartbreak. I may have just ruined an extremely important and beautiful relationship in my life, but I can’t beat myself up over it for feeling the way I’m feeling, and acting the way I acted. I can’t because this is me. And I have to be true to myself. I’ll always apologise for hurting anyone, but I can never apologise for who I am. I’m learning to let go of Ego and start listening to my spirit. Love yourself unconditionally, and from there, love everyone else unconditonally too <3
On a lighter note!!! By keeping my mind busy, I’m getting a lot more joy in creating. I just made a new Storage Jar and am loving it! What do you guys think? I’ve got my mini sprinkle jars available at my shop too. I’ve got so many ideas just running rampant in my head. Not to mention all the cake tutorials I’ve got to edit…
And I’d also like to thank everyone who’ve been in touch and making me realise that this blog is what I need to be doing. Apart from it being a great therapy for me, being open and honest about my journey might be exactly what the doctor ordered…for me and others reading it <3