You’re Not Pretty Enough, You’re not Smart enough and You’ve a Huge Bum!

I’ve been told this a few too many times in my life over the years. ‘You’re smart, but not smart enough to do this’, ‘Oh my gosh!! Carrie, your bum is huge!!’ ‘Whoa, I wasn’t expecting your thighs to be so big because your waist is so tiny!’ ‘You’re cute, I wouldn’t say sexy, but definitely cute’ ‘You should definitely get braces’, ‘hmm, you should consider rollerblading to tone those thighs’ are just a few of the things I’ve heard over the years (who the heck was I associating with?!) but I’ll come back to this..

I haven’t written on this blog for awhile. I’ve been going through some heavy stuff. I don’t want to say that it’s coming to a close….because I have a feeling this journey will be a long one. But it’s becoming a little bit less overwhelming. I feel like the depressive side of my life is coming to a (very slow) end and now it’s more frequently a sense of calm, a sense of purpose and a sense of love. I’ve been awakened. And once you’ve been awakened….you can’t go back to sleep, because now ‘I know!’


I know that everything I’ve been taught to believe via social media, tv, society is wrong. I know that my purpose in life is not to procreate and ‘stand by my man’ while he lives his life until our kids are grown (my husband totally agrees). That the bigger my house, the type of car I drive and the brand of clothing I wear does not define me, or make my life any worthier than the next person. I know now that the more money I have does not determine my success as a human being or even as a business woman. How many followers I have on Facebook and Instagram and the ‘likes’ I get does not determine my worth or my talents. Possessions are just that. They’re just things that we think we need to make us happy. As I write this I’m looking around my house and realising that none of it matters! None of it! We live in a materialistic world of wants and ‘needs’. I used to believe that all we needed was love and a little bit of money. But even then I was looking at in in a skewed sense. I was seeing it like I needed the love and acceptance of my family, partners and friends to validate my life. ‘All we need is love’ really means that all of us needs to be loved and love others unconditionally. We all have flaws, but by accepting our own flaws, we can accept the flaws of those around us more easily, and still love them! I know my husband is struggling with this new me. I understand why. And I wish I could could truly let him feel what I’m going through. Because then he’d truly understand that my love is unconditional. That regardless of what happens between us, it is never because he wasn’t enough. It was never because I wasn’t enough. We are all of us incredible, beautiful human beings. We all have to live our truths or we’ll drown, we’ll suffocate, we’ll be buried. 

I know that by sending out positive evergy to the universe, positivity is what I attract into my life. I am trying every day to listen and live by my spirit, my true self instead of my ego, my false self. When I get offended by someone’s actions, I know that it’s my ego. I know that what that person is saying isn’t a reflection on me. I’ve never liked conflict but I’m not gonna lie, I used to enjoy being right. Now, and its not easy, I try to walk away from anything that causes turmoil in my heart. Including silly little fights. Because that’s all they are, silly. They won’t matter in a week, hell, it probably won’t even matter in a day. So now if I have the choice to be right, or the choice to love, I choose love. I wholeheartedly and unconditionally choose love. Does this mean people’s words will never hurt me? Maybe…..someday. But I’m thinking my ego still has a LONG way to go. It means I have to really think about what I say too so I don’t inadvertently hurt someone else with my words (I can have a sharp tongue and I know I have a short temper…and the sarcasm 🙈😏😅) I have so much healing and soul work that needs to be done. But in the meantime I’m going to remember that our souls are divine, they’re perfect and I truly believe that we are all here on this earth from the same energies to teach each other lessons. That EVERY struggle we go through has a silver lining. That why when things don’t turn out how we want them to, it’s because the universe ALWAYS has bigger and better plans for us. Even though it really doesn’t feel like it at the time….there goes that ego thing again 🙄😅 


Just try it. When you give yourself to another and treat everyone with respect and love and kindness, whether you think they deserve it or not, just watch. The universe will respond in the same way. It’s certainly been working for me. And it’s inspired me more and more every day to reach for what I want from life, in my relationships, in my business. There’s really nothing to lose. At the end of the day, all that really matters is love. And only love is real ❤️

I now embrace my figure. I’ve always had small breasts, a little waist and a big ol butt. I HATED my body, I’d wear long tops to hide it, I despised wearing swimming costumes. Now? This is the body that was chosen for me. And pointing out the ‘flaws’ that we see in another persons appearance only causes turmoil in those still too influenced by the world around us to know how much more valuable they are than just a pretty face. I have stretch marks (babies) , a wobbly tummy (babies….and wine…and food. I LOVE food), one breast that is larger than the other (genetics, or babies that favoured one breast 🤔). I’m beautiful, and I’m sexy for no other reason than because I say so. Because beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. And the way I look has NOTHING to do with my soul… Or anyone else for that matter. What’s even more ironic is that the fact that I could care less what people think about me, I think I’m more beautiful than I’ve ever been. Maybe it’s because I’m older (33 next week!) and a little bit wiser, or maybe it’s because I truly realise and believe that having a beautiful heart (or trying to at least) is always sexier and FAR more important than having a pretty face. No this doesn’t mean I stop going to the gym, because I love the way I FEEL after a good workout. It just means I’m not going berate myself for eating that cupcake, or having that extra glass of wine. Because living is all in those finer details. So find your passion, make a plan and go for it. Don’t hold back. And certainly don’t listen to the negativity. Take pity on those that can’t see your light. These are the souls that are afraid, so they hold back, and try to hold you back too. Just love them and move on. 

Empaths, Soap, and Voodoo Magic

Woooooosh! That’s literally what I feel like my whole body and soul is saying. I’ve figured it out. After 32 years, I’ve finally put my finger on it. I’m an Empath…which I’ve known for awhile BUT. Ok before I get ahead of myself let me clarify. I’ve kinda sorta always known I’ve been extremely sensitive…(That totally just autocorrected to sensible….umm not so much!) and it was my step mom who always told me that I feel the way I do because I’m an empath, and although I knew what an empath was…I didn’t actually KNOW what it it meant, until now that is.
I’m an extreme empath. An empath that doesn’t have it all figured our just yet…and it’s AWFUL. It’s definitely more of a curse than a gift. It’s the reason that when my children get sick I take on their symptoms even though I’m perfectly healthy. It’s the reason that when my husband is hurting or angry, I can FEEL his emotions and I take them on. It’s the reason that when people close to me give up on their dreams or are in a rut, I feel their anguish, the physical  aspects too like the stomach aches and the pit of dread in their bellies. It’s the reason I’m going through this depression. It’s the reason I can’t walk through a crowded place without taking on everyone’s emotions around me. It makes sense now why I’ve always HATED shopping centres…and nightclubs. It makes sense now that EVERY time I took the bus, someone with a heavy burden would sit down next to me and tell me all about it. Apparently we give off those ‘cry on my shoulder’ vibes. Which is fantastic that people feel like they can open up to me and I can help them! Until you can’t cope anymore. Until everyone’s problems take on a life of their own inside me…and I get overwhelmed. I had this experience recently when I was in Vancouver. I was on the bus with my kids and we were chatting away and all of a sudden I got this overwhelming sense of foreboding. I started to hyperventilate and just couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t until I looked up and realised we were passing the old Riverview Mental Asylum that I realised why I felt the way I did. It happened again a few days later when my mom was driving. I suddenly told her I didn’t feel very good and I was having trouble breathing…lo and behold she’d driven through the estate on the way home. That place has some really bad Ju Ju!

Cupcake Strawberry Scented Soap

I still can’t watch the news, it feels like a punch in the gut every time I hear people being cruel to one another. I watch movies made for Tweens because they’re always so innocent and they make my heart happy. I cry in EVERY film, regardless of if it’s a drama or comedy.

I can ALWAYS tell when someone is lying to me, although most times I never let on that I know. I can feel the emotions of those closest to me even if they are 3000 miles away. I just take it all in. I know who I can trust and sometimes I go against my better judgement because there’s this Empathic response of wanting to please everyone too. Especially those who love you. Many of us have empathy, we can put ourselves in other people’s shoes. But being an Empath is just a bit more confusing. I’m now on a journey to deal with this ‘ability’. To learn how to block these negative emotions I’m feeling. To train myself so to speak and differentiate between my feelings and the feelings of those around me. Apparently when empaths don’t know how to protect themselves from all these emotions and energies coming at them from every which direction, eventually what happens is it becomes so completely overwhelming that we become depressed, neurotic, mentally unstable and suicidal. We have extreme highs and then very bad lows, and we act out. In ways that isn’t normal behaviour.  Not unlike Bipolar disorder.

I know how weird and ‘woo woo’ this sounds. My husband thinks it’s hilarious and pokes fun although he’s got empathic tendencies as well…But I’ve always been a bit of a hippie, new ager type and extremely open minded so if it means meditating, cleansing and balancing chakras and reading tarot cards and aura’s bring it on! If it means bringing a bit of voodoo magic into my life I’m all about that too.  I’m ready to embrace the good Ju Ju in whatever forms bring me peace and blocks out all the bad Ju Ju, (cause ‘ain’t nobody got time for that!) If it keeps me from jumping off the nearest cliff, I’m all for it. I’m going to use this empathic ‘ability’ the best way I know how. To help others…which leads me to this next subject…Soaps!! (And if any of my fellow empaths are about, please feel free to comment! It’s a very lonely place to be sometimes…)

So ya’ll may have heard about my soap making. I’m hooked! I’ve spent a small fortune on soap ingredients like cocoa butter, coconut oils, palm oils (responsibly sourced of course!!) coffee butter (AHHHHMAZING), Coffee beans, chamomile flowers, Shea butter etc. So the problem is this. I can’t actually sell these gorgeous soaps just yet because….soap laws 🙄 so instead, and because I LOVE making them, I’m just gonna give them away. Mostly to homeless shelters, women’s shelters, shelters for refugees so on and so forth. If you’d like some of my soaps for yourself, just give me a shout. Donations would be fabulous just to cover the cost of my ingredients, but any money left over will go to the shelters directly and those close to me that I know need a bit of financial help.  I know it’s just soap, but everyone should have the right to feel luxurious and beautiful. Am I right? My latest batch is still curing and will be ready in another week or so, but please let me know if you’d like a bar or 2. It’s my Coconut and Olive Oil based soap scented with lemongrass and lavender. I have 8 bars available at the moment.  Any donation no matter how big or small will be greatly appreciated. I’ve attached a link to my PayPal in order to make things a bit easier. Thanks!! X

 

My Dirty Little Secret…

Cupcake Strawberry Scented Soap

My laptop charger died on me a few days ago, and my phone is going haywire…and my beloved mixer died on me too…technologically it hasn’t been a good few days….emotionally it could’ve been better as well. Emotionally….I’ve taken a few steps backward. Guys, I’ve been off my antidepressants for 4 weeks! I weaned myself off them because I thought I could handle it…and I could, I was doing really well. I was laughing, I was enjoying my time alone and the time with my thoughts. I was singing! Singing on the top of my lungs, belting out the show tunes, dancing in my kitchen…And then….BAM! I took a turn. And I know what the trigger was, which actually makes it worse, because I thought I was past this.

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London, Modelling?! And straight up fun!

I was asked to come in for a modelling test shoot. And because I was going to be in London anyway (3 birds now!), I figured why the hell not? It would be something out of my comfort zone (which I've been trying to do more often) but wow, what fun! I got my makeup done, my hair did and got to dress up all day. What an experience. Something I'll remember for the rest of my life. I 'passed' the test shoot and I've been asked to be put on a modelling companies talent list

My beautiful friend Victoria, who I met 2 years ago when I went on a cake decorating course in Ireland, is pregnant!! She’s expecting her first baby and I was invited to her baby shower. She lives in London though….so just a teensy bit of a trek 🙈

I knew she wasn’t expecting me to come. It’s July, it’s wedding season and I’m sure she assumed I had far too many cakes to bake. But I made the effort. I knew when I met this woman that we would share a lifelong friendship.

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Mo Chridhe, My Heart

If you have never read Outlander by Diana Gabaldon, I urge you to do it…..NOW.  It’s an incredible read full of everything you could ever ask for in a book. I first read the books when I was 15 and have read them about 5 times over since then. In this book Jamie calls Claire ‘Mo Chridhe’ which is Gaelic for ‘My Heart’. I just LOVED it, and it stuck with me and it’s a term of endearment that I have only ever used with two people in my life, because to me it means so much more than just ‘my heart’ …but I digress…

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In Memory of Star

Photo credit: Etsystatic.com

It’s hard to believe that 8 years ago today I experienced a grief so deep that I thought I would never recover.

On July 1st 2009 I had an appointment to have my 20 week pregnancy scan. I hadn’t felt any flutters or twinges but I wasn’t too worried as this was my first pregnancy and I didn’t know what to expect.  My morning sickness was severe. I couldn’t even hold down water. My husband had to fend for himself when it came to cooking as even the smell of meat had me gagging into my pillow. It was NOT pretty.

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Peace, Love and Books

 

It’s been a crazy week of cakes and it’s the start of the summer holidays, so I’m looking forward to just going with the flow, no set routine, sleeping in (who am I kidding, my children are ridiculously early risers) and going on mini adventures.

I’m feeling fantastic. I’m feeling rejuvenated, peaceful and content. I haven’t had this feeling in a long time and my goodness it feels great!

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Moment of Clarity

Just this morning, after waking up with that stomach full of dread, I got my coffee and started going through my daughter’s school bag looking for her hair tie. This child of mine is quite the artiste so I was raking through piles of her drawings. Then I came across her spelling book, the one that she’s been doing all her tests in throughout the year. I just gave it a quick skim through and then the last 2 pages was like a punch in the gut! 3/9 and 0/9?!

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New Storage Jars and A bit of Tough Love

Another blog post already? I hear you saying….yeah well, I’m still just so excited y’all! (I totally put on a Southern twang there)

I feel like I’m coming on in leaps and bounds already with my new business, I’ve had more orders than I anticipated in the first week so that’s always a good sign.

I also wanted to touch base on my last blog. It was heavy..and it gets heavier… but I promise, these blogs will have their happy moments too. Continue reading “New Storage Jars and A bit of Tough Love”